Magic Birthday

Today is my sister's Magic Birthday.  (I call it magic, it's apparently supposed to be called a golden birthday... whatever.  I do what I want!)  She's 27 and today's the 27th... get it?  I celebrated my golden birthday a few years ago.  I don't remember it much.  I was probably drunk.  Hey, I was 24, that's what you do when you're still young enough to rebound from a hangover in a day!  (That will not be the case when I celebrate the big 3-0 later this year!)

Anyway, as I sat and thought about my golden birthday and her golden birthday, I thought, how cool is it to celebrate when you're a little older and can remember it?  And then I realized in 33 days my daughter is going to have her magic birthday. 

First and foremost, HOLY SHIT!  How did an entire year blow by me?  How did she get so old so quickly?  It feels like just yesterday that I was walking around with a beach ball under my shirt complaining about my hips being out of place because a fetus was cozied up in my pelvis!  But I still have a month to panic and contemplate how time has passed me by and my daughter has gotten so big...

When I first realized that she would never remember her magic birthday (because it's her first birthday and who remembers that?) I was really sad.  She's still a baby and won't get to enjoy in her magical day because she'll probably be napping, or crying, or wacking something into my face.  I was sad for her.  I never thought of this downside when I thought of all the pluses to having a birthday on the first of the month. 

Having your birthday on the first of the month seems nice.  It's easy to remember.   It's not hard like when I try to remember Stoofy's birthday and get the date mixed up with what date we got married.  (I actually suck at remembering exact dates.  I am pretty good at ballpark estimates when it comes to important dates like that.  God bless Facebook for helping me remember the exact date my husband birthday is!)

But I never realized she'd pretty much forget all about her magic birthday.  *insert pitty party here*

Then I realized it's just up to me to make her birthday magical and special!!  Even though she won't realize this first birthday of hers is her magic birthday, it will be magical for me.  It's a small miracle that I survived a year of motherhood, I didn't murder my husband, he didn't push me down any stairs because I was a crazy mom, and (knock on wood) we haven't had any major catastrophe with Elly!!!! 

So, now I don't feel so bad about her missing her magical birthday.  I'll just make it up to her for every other birthday she has. 

A Few of My Favorite Things

In the spirit of end of year review mania that seems to hit our country about this time every year, I figured I'd jump on board.  And as a side note: until I started working in news I never knew why every single tv, radio, paper, magazine, etc. puts out a best of at the end of the year... until I wanted some down time around the holidays too.  So what's the easiest way to create that for yourself around the holidays?  Just rehash all the shit you've already done and call it "new"s. 

Anyway, even though I've only been a part of the blogosphere since July (and I took that trip to Jupiter, aka fell off the blogging planet) I still feel like I've got some gems in my archives.

So here are a few of my favorite things (in no particular order):

1) Breastfed Thighs
I'll do my best to keep the positive about my thighs come the end of January.  That's inevitably when swimsuit shopping season begins and I'd much rather slice my left hand off with a circular saw than expose my thighs to the world (or expose the world to my thighs depending on how you look at it). 

2) What Did I Step In?
I feel like I step in a pile of shit every week.  Some weeks are shittier than others.  But this one just tops them all.  I mean, seriously.  What the hell is wrong with people?  Clearly advertising geniuses know how to plug their products with cute babies.  Because people will literally look past whatever shit you've got when there's a cute baby to look at instead. 

3) Got Milk?

This is actually a blog from my early days.  I hadn't really introduced everyone to Abby yet.  But I realized since I talked about her so much as a friend, that she just needed to be named and be a full-blown character in my daily crazy.  The main part of the blog really was word for word an email I sent her after being fascinated and disgusted by my cow-like ability.  And although I've stopped breastfeeding, I'm grateful for having endured that crazy shit for as long as I did for Elly.  She'd better be a grateful little kid when she grows up or else! 

 

4) Losing My Hair.. and Marbles

I still chuckle a little every time I read this.  And then the chuckles are drowned out by my tears of sadness over my awful hair.  I have had it cut into a nice, hot-mom cut.  So at least my hair is a lot more manageable than when it was longer.  And by the way, I STILL haven't found that freakin' calendar yet! 

 

5) Tinkling

I actually have to go use the little girl's room right now.  So I'd better stop what I'm doing and take a break or else I may have a code yellow alert!

 

6) In Search Of...

It still truly amazes me how your body completely changes when you're pregnant.  And then morphs into something completely different after the baby.  I'll never understand people (specifically insensitive asshole men) who say, oh you're just lazy that's why you don't have the exact same body after having the baby.  Uh newsflash dumbass, it doesn't work like that.  Not only am I searching for my ass, I also grew bigger feet.  No amount of zumba is going to fix that shit! 

7) Being an Adult Rocks!

I crack up every time I eat a deli sandwich now because I only think of windshield meat.  If you ever end up tossing turkey on someone's car and they eat it, please let me know!!!! And if you do witness that, I hope you scream at them "BEING AN ADULT ROCKS!!!"

8)BOOBS!

This is still one of my all-time favorites.  Because I am so impressed at how many different ways I could work the word boobs into the blog.  And because of that, I actually had a few people stumble upon my blog because of their key word searches.  Here's what can land you in Betty's world if you google it: "Big Milk Boobs," "Boobs," and my personal favorite "Boobs Rock the World."  Yes, yes they do! (PS, I'd love to know who googled "I'm not doing that" and found me!!!  LOL! What the hell aren't they willing to do I wonder!)

9) Vanilla Tuna

There are some people in this world you meet and never remember again.  And then there are some people that leave a lasting impression on you for the rest of your life.  The stinky girl in my Navy school is one of those people I'll never forget.... and I'm so grossed out by it!

10) Caught Red Handed

Elly just kills me some days.  Every day she's learning, exploring, and absorbing new information.  She amazes me... right up until she's caught red handed doing something shouldn't have done but has no idea that it was a no-no.  I clearly have a long road ahead of me teaching her important life-lessons.  And I feel like a lot of them are going to be really messy!

11) Pumpkin Pie and Jail Time

What's terrible about this pregnancy memory is that even though pumpkin pie is my absolute FAVORITE dessert and it's what I love more than anything for my birthday cake, I still haven't had a slice in 2011!  Sad :-( I better get on that before the year is over and I better make sure I don't go to jail getting pumpkin pie!

12)   That's Not Fair

The phrase "That's Not Fair" could quite possibly be one of the most famous sayings heard in my house growing up.  Either (or in my opinion, mostly) my sister or me would utter that phrase whenever we had felt slighted.  Our mother was very careful to make sure that things were as fair as you can make them for two completely different-minded children constantly at each other's throats.  So I feel like because of that, I have an obsession to try and make things as far as possible in the world when I can.  However, there are things that just can't be helped.  Like the fact that Snookie makes millions more than I do.

Well there you have it!  Betty's favorites of 2011.  I can't even imagine how exciting 2012 will be!  In just a few short months Elly will be a year old, Stoofy and I will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary, I'll go on at least 12 tirades threatening to kick someone in their shins, and on top of that, I've got the regular comings and goings of life to chronicle. 

Please be sure to follow me on Facebook, become a fan of this blog, and most importantly TELL YOUR FRIENDS!  I am a narcissist and I need constant positive approval.  So the more people who like me, the better I feel.  JOKING, but not really.  Force your friends to like me if you have to.  It's fine, I completely approve of it!

And I'll have plenty more to add before the year is over... but until then, thanks for enjoying 2011 with me!

Where's the freakin' instruction manual?

So I just got my weekly baby update about my growing 4 month, 2 week daughter.  And the hot topic in my house and in the email thread this week is FOOD. 

Some parents say stick with exclusive breastfeeding until 6 months.  Others say add in foods earlier.  Other moms say forget all of that and do whatever the hell you want.  While others say make your own food.  It's enough to make you freakin' nuts.  Oh wait, TOO LATE!

I decided while pregnant that I would breastfeed for as long as I could and my goal would be to get to the one year mark if I could.  I'd be happy if I could make it 6 months but I wanted to hit the year mark.  And then my mother-in-law started in on me when I told her my plan and that Stoofy and I were on our way to a breastfeeding class. (Insert Stoofy's groan here.)

Me: We're going to a class tomorrow.  I'm really looking forward to it!

MIL: I don't think you should even bother.  It hurts a lot and you won't like it, so I wouldn't even bother.  I didn't. 

Me: Well, I'm going to give it a try.  I knowingly made the decision to be a parent and I understand that for the rest of my life there will be some painful moments, literally and figuratively, but ultimately, it's in my child's best interest.  I think I'll be sticking it out with the breastfeeding if I can.

MIL: Well, good luck, but you won't like it and it's going to hurt.  Plus, then I can't feed the baby.

SERIOUSLY!?!?!  Who says that to someone, let alone a pregnant, hormonal Betty?!

Needless to say, we're 4 months, 2 weeks into it and haven't had a single problem!  Plus she's growing right off the height chart, so I'm obviously doing something right.

Well, that's up for discussion.  Back to the crazy parent forum.  I caved a couple weeks ago to add some rice cereal to her milk at night.  She was still waking up 3 times at night for feedings and she's not a long napper during the day (try 20 minute cat naps).  So I listened to my mom (and my entire office, my husband's coworkers and the moms on the online forum) and got some cereal and added it to her bottle.  I'm a terrible mother. 

Guess what?  It didn't do a damn thing but make her gassy and cranky at first.  Great.  Not the response I was looking for.  I was hoping I'd get what everyone kept saying... put cereal in her milk and she'll sleep like a baby.  HA!  Not my kid.  Thanks a lot everyone!  She just wanted more!  And I really am a terrible mother now!

I caved and after she got used to it, I started adding it into half of her bottles during the day.  Her last bottle of the evening has cereal and then I nurse her as she falls asleep.  It seems to be working for her.  But I'm a complete basket case!

I can't help but wonder if I'm the worst mother on the planet!  I have a million crazy worries that run through my head every day about being a good mom.  Did I start her on cereal too early?  Does it make her too gassy?  Should I cut back on it or just make sure she's had some gas drops?  Should I switch to barley or oat instead?  Is it messing up her poop schedule? Should I stop nursing her at night and only giving her bottles?  Am I coddling her because I'm nursing her to sleep?  Should I even rock her completely to sleep or should I just get her almost there and then place her in her bed so she can learn to soothe herself?  Is it selfish that I want to hold her as long as I can while she sleeps because I know these moments are precious, but if I do that, am I creating a monster by not making her get over it and learn to be on her own?

HOLY SHIT GET A GRIP WOMAN!!!!!!

I mean seriously!  I just can't help but wonder whether I'm doing things right.  I'm a follow the instructions kind of girl.  When building Legos, I never skip ahead to see what's coming.  I just follow step by step and agonize over each step to make sure I haven't missed anything. 

Where's the freakin' instruction manual for motherhood?  Seriously?  How am I supposed to know if I'm fucking up my kid beyond repair or not?  Yeah, I can listen to my mom, but the evidence that says she succeeded in raising a normal kid is over here typing through a panic attack because I'm so beside myself with worry.  So maybe that's not the best confirmation.  Yes, I'm still alive and in pretty damn good health.  I have few scars from childhood, so obviously she made sure I survived just fine.  Too bad she didn't write a book so I could read it and follow instructions. 

Since there's no instruction manual, I guess it's back to searching the internet and winging it with a prayer for me.  Now I just have to decide when I suck even more and start adding solid foods.  Wish me luck and pray for Elly! 

Until later
~Betty 

Breast Fed Thighs

Ghosts of blogging past: I couldn't help but digging this one back out of the archives for my blogging friends Mommy 2 cent and Chosen Chaos.  Thanks for the fun laughs ladies!

The other day I took my daughter, Elly, in for her 4 month check-up.  The doctor asked me all the usual questions.  Chatted about all the usual stuff...Am I still breastfeeding? How much is she eating?  How much do I pump a day?  Is she active? Does she sleep through the night?  And so on.

I assured him that she eats plenty.  She's an eater... just like her mom and dad.  She eats me out of house and home.  And because of that I've become her dairy queen. 

I pump it, she eats it.  Pump, eat, pump, eat...there's no end in sight.

Now, I'm not exactly complaining.  Breastfeeding has been the best diet I've ever been on!  I hate running, so pumping 5 times a day plus her other feedings is better than training for a marathon.  I totally get it now why women breast feed their kids until they're 5.  At least that's what the "Blossom" chick is doing.  WHOA!  I've decided I'll breast feed until she's 1, convert to cow's milk and then just pump and dump until I hit menopause.  Then maybe I'll just get a tummy tuck after that.  And I'll need my thighs done too.

I have my mother's thighs.  She got them from her mother, who undoubtedly got them from her mom.  They're thick to say the least.  There's a lot of mass in our thighs.  That saying "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips?"  Yeah, they mean thighs in my family.  We're talking wondrous, thunderous thighs!

And my daughter is no different.  As I've said before, she's pretty much a mini-me.  So of course, she got my thighs. 

And her thighs were the first thing the doctor noticed during her physical exam.  He actually said "Yup, those are breast fed thighs." And at first I felt a little put off by this comment.  I've had a lot of things said about my figure growing up.  And then I realized that might be the nicest thing a man has ever said about my thighs.  And even though he was talking about Elly's, they're in essences, my thighs too.

How nice of you to notice my breast fed thighs Doc!

Monster, er I mean, mother-in-law

I've been married to my wonderful husband, Stoofy, for more than 4 years.  We've been together for nearly 6.  And in that time, I really haven't spent a ton of time with his family.  I know them well enough, and enjoy them when we all visit.  But they're not my family.  My family is entirely nuts. We've got such a huge level of dysfunction; we can't even return basic phone calls.  But I like it and it's normal to me.  His family is different. 

His family's dysfunction is different.  I don't know how to describe it.  I get along really well with his dad and his brother.  But with his mom and sister, it's a slightly different story.  We don't fight or argue or anything.  We just aren't all BFF's.

He and his mom have a very special bond from the first moments of his life.  He's her first born.  He's her only biological son.  He's a big f'in' deal in her world.  And he's moving back to his home town after our many years of military service. (Don't worry; baby and I are moving there too!)  Let the party begin!!!

But now that he's going to be nearby again, she feels the need to be in his life every second of every day.  In fact, she was upset when he didn't move back to their home (in his old, childhood room) and instead got his own place for us.  The horror!  Being persistent, she then decided that she would move in with him on weekends and keep him company.  His response- Uh, HELL NO! (Thank God!)

I was horrified and freaked out!  Here's this woman who doesn't have a clue that her 27 year old son, who has lived on his own for 8 years and deployed around the world, is a GROWN MAN!  Not to mention, he has his own wife and child to take care of.  How dare she want to weasel her way into my life and try to disturb my marriage?  If she thinks she's going to get to be a decision maker in my family, she's got another thing coming!  And here starts my immediate panic-attack about protecting my family and marriage and keeping intruders out.  I started plotting my plan of attack like it was a scene from the Italian Job. 

Now, I realize I don't have the worst MIL in the history of MILs.  (My mom's was, and still is, pretty damn wacky.  Yes, I'm talking about my crazy grandma.) And I just read a story about a Monster-in-law from hell who had the audacity to send a hate email to her future daughter-in-law that just happened to back fire when the daughter made sure it went viral.  So no, I don't have the worst one in the world.  But, it's still a little annoying.

And then I realized if I ever have a son, I'll be a psycho MIL.  I know I'm going to be the only woman in my future son's life that can do everything.  I just know this to my core.  And now starts the second panic attack of the day... my future son will eventually get married and leave me in the dust and I'll just have to find a way to weasel my way back in to his life and if that means I have to move in with him on weekends and take care of him, then that's what I'll do!  BREATH BETTY!

I should point out that my daughter is only 4 months old and Stoofy and I are nowhere near being pregnant again with another child, let alone the odds of it being a boy.  So who knows if I'll actually ever have a son?  But I'm already worked up in a full blown tizzy.  And now I'm a lot more empathetic about my crazy MIL.  That is until the next time she tries to weasel her way into my home again!!!

Until later
~Betty