Where's the freakin' instruction manual?

So I just got my weekly baby update about my growing 4 month, 2 week daughter.  And the hot topic in my house and in the email thread this week is FOOD. 

Some parents say stick with exclusive breastfeeding until 6 months.  Others say add in foods earlier.  Other moms say forget all of that and do whatever the hell you want.  While others say make your own food.  It's enough to make you freakin' nuts.  Oh wait, TOO LATE!

I decided while pregnant that I would breastfeed for as long as I could and my goal would be to get to the one year mark if I could.  I'd be happy if I could make it 6 months but I wanted to hit the year mark.  And then my mother-in-law started in on me when I told her my plan and that Stoofy and I were on our way to a breastfeeding class. (Insert Stoofy's groan here.)

Me: We're going to a class tomorrow.  I'm really looking forward to it!

MIL: I don't think you should even bother.  It hurts a lot and you won't like it, so I wouldn't even bother.  I didn't. 

Me: Well, I'm going to give it a try.  I knowingly made the decision to be a parent and I understand that for the rest of my life there will be some painful moments, literally and figuratively, but ultimately, it's in my child's best interest.  I think I'll be sticking it out with the breastfeeding if I can.

MIL: Well, good luck, but you won't like it and it's going to hurt.  Plus, then I can't feed the baby.

SERIOUSLY!?!?!  Who says that to someone, let alone a pregnant, hormonal Betty?!

Needless to say, we're 4 months, 2 weeks into it and haven't had a single problem!  Plus she's growing right off the height chart, so I'm obviously doing something right.

Well, that's up for discussion.  Back to the crazy parent forum.  I caved a couple weeks ago to add some rice cereal to her milk at night.  She was still waking up 3 times at night for feedings and she's not a long napper during the day (try 20 minute cat naps).  So I listened to my mom (and my entire office, my husband's coworkers and the moms on the online forum) and got some cereal and added it to her bottle.  I'm a terrible mother. 

Guess what?  It didn't do a damn thing but make her gassy and cranky at first.  Great.  Not the response I was looking for.  I was hoping I'd get what everyone kept saying... put cereal in her milk and she'll sleep like a baby.  HA!  Not my kid.  Thanks a lot everyone!  She just wanted more!  And I really am a terrible mother now!

I caved and after she got used to it, I started adding it into half of her bottles during the day.  Her last bottle of the evening has cereal and then I nurse her as she falls asleep.  It seems to be working for her.  But I'm a complete basket case!

I can't help but wonder if I'm the worst mother on the planet!  I have a million crazy worries that run through my head every day about being a good mom.  Did I start her on cereal too early?  Does it make her too gassy?  Should I cut back on it or just make sure she's had some gas drops?  Should I switch to barley or oat instead?  Is it messing up her poop schedule? Should I stop nursing her at night and only giving her bottles?  Am I coddling her because I'm nursing her to sleep?  Should I even rock her completely to sleep or should I just get her almost there and then place her in her bed so she can learn to soothe herself?  Is it selfish that I want to hold her as long as I can while she sleeps because I know these moments are precious, but if I do that, am I creating a monster by not making her get over it and learn to be on her own?

HOLY SHIT GET A GRIP WOMAN!!!!!!

I mean seriously!  I just can't help but wonder whether I'm doing things right.  I'm a follow the instructions kind of girl.  When building Legos, I never skip ahead to see what's coming.  I just follow step by step and agonize over each step to make sure I haven't missed anything. 

Where's the freakin' instruction manual for motherhood?  Seriously?  How am I supposed to know if I'm fucking up my kid beyond repair or not?  Yeah, I can listen to my mom, but the evidence that says she succeeded in raising a normal kid is over here typing through a panic attack because I'm so beside myself with worry.  So maybe that's not the best confirmation.  Yes, I'm still alive and in pretty damn good health.  I have few scars from childhood, so obviously she made sure I survived just fine.  Too bad she didn't write a book so I could read it and follow instructions. 

Since there's no instruction manual, I guess it's back to searching the internet and winging it with a prayer for me.  Now I just have to decide when I suck even more and start adding solid foods.  Wish me luck and pray for Elly! 

Until later
~Betty