Grab Ass

I don't know about you, but I have a pain in my ass. It comes and goes every so often and it affects my whole body and mood.

Get your mind out of the gutter because I literally mean a pain in my ass. I have a pinched nerve deep in my fatty, cellulite-dimpled tissue.

It seemed to really develop during my pregnancy. (Don't worry, it's documented in Elly's baby book as evidence when she's a teen so I can tell her she's been a pain in the ass since she was a zygote.) And it's never gone away (much like the stretch marks, also documented for further proof in 13 years).

The thing that helps the most is a deep tissue massage. But since those cost money and I need them so frequently and I'm cheap, I turn to Stoofy for help.

I try and rationalize it as a win-win for both of us: I get pain relief and he gets to grab my ass. But he doesn't see it that way. He sees it as work.

Which I don't get. Why wouldn't he want to help me out? What do you mean kneading my lumpy, dough-like ass isn't sexy? I like it.

And that's when it hits me- I'm old. Grab ass has a new definition and it's lame-o!!!

Dear god! I need an ass intervention!!! Something to perk that sucker up. Do you think Kim Kardashian uses anything special? I hope it's not some extravagant oil potion because I'm on a can of Pam budget.



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