Magic Birthday

Today is my sister's Magic Birthday.  (I call it magic, it's apparently supposed to be called a golden birthday... whatever.  I do what I want!)  She's 27 and today's the 27th... get it?  I celebrated my golden birthday a few years ago.  I don't remember it much.  I was probably drunk.  Hey, I was 24, that's what you do when you're still young enough to rebound from a hangover in a day!  (That will not be the case when I celebrate the big 3-0 later this year!)

Anyway, as I sat and thought about my golden birthday and her golden birthday, I thought, how cool is it to celebrate when you're a little older and can remember it?  And then I realized in 33 days my daughter is going to have her magic birthday. 

First and foremost, HOLY SHIT!  How did an entire year blow by me?  How did she get so old so quickly?  It feels like just yesterday that I was walking around with a beach ball under my shirt complaining about my hips being out of place because a fetus was cozied up in my pelvis!  But I still have a month to panic and contemplate how time has passed me by and my daughter has gotten so big...

When I first realized that she would never remember her magic birthday (because it's her first birthday and who remembers that?) I was really sad.  She's still a baby and won't get to enjoy in her magical day because she'll probably be napping, or crying, or wacking something into my face.  I was sad for her.  I never thought of this downside when I thought of all the pluses to having a birthday on the first of the month. 

Having your birthday on the first of the month seems nice.  It's easy to remember.   It's not hard like when I try to remember Stoofy's birthday and get the date mixed up with what date we got married.  (I actually suck at remembering exact dates.  I am pretty good at ballpark estimates when it comes to important dates like that.  God bless Facebook for helping me remember the exact date my husband birthday is!)

But I never realized she'd pretty much forget all about her magic birthday.  *insert pitty party here*

Then I realized it's just up to me to make her birthday magical and special!!  Even though she won't realize this first birthday of hers is her magic birthday, it will be magical for me.  It's a small miracle that I survived a year of motherhood, I didn't murder my husband, he didn't push me down any stairs because I was a crazy mom, and (knock on wood) we haven't had any major catastrophe with Elly!!!! 

So, now I don't feel so bad about her missing her magical birthday.  I'll just make it up to her for every other birthday she has. 

Cup O' Joe

Elly is back on the sucky sleeping schedule again.  I swear that kid goes through sleeping phases like people go through fad diets.  (I don't diet, I just eat cookies.  Lots and lots of cookies!)

What does that mean for me other than my own sleepless nights?  It means my new health insurance company thinks I'm an insomniac for one.   I took a health assessment test for a $35 gift card to be used for medical expenses.  (Why the hell wouldn't I answer 100 questions about me for $35 free? Duh!) It asked how many hours of sleep I get a night, how rested do I feel when I get up for the day, and so on. 

What it doesn't allow for during the questionnaire is a place for you to fill in any kind of explanation behind it.  Like if I was a meth-head and was tweaking every night then of course I wouldn't get any sleep.  (But at least I'd get all the laundry done!)

But what about parents of insomniac kids?  There's no box to check for that.  So instead, I'll now get spammed with a million emails about how not sleeping enough has a poor effect on my health.  No shit.  Now if only there was enough time for a mommy nap time in a day and this wouldn't be a problem.

But yesterday afternoon was the icing on the cake for just how sleepless I've been the last few nights.  At work, I have a Keurig in my "office."  (I say "office" and not office because it's only got three walls and no door, so people can still come in my space willy-nilly whenever they feel like it.  Plus, since I'm a natural loud talker, they can hear pretty much everything I say.)  I drink a lot of coffee and the Keurig gets quite the daily workout. 

It was time for my afternoon cup o' joe pick-me-up.  And as I plopped the little k-cup in and watched the coffee stream into my cup, I realized I needed to up the ante a bit.  So I pulled out the canister of mocha cappuccino mix from the drawer and added a few scoops of that to the coffee for the extra jolt I was going to need to re-read the same story five times for copy edit mistakes.  (I lead a glamorous life!)  

As my coffee finished brewing I started searching for the blue lid to the canister so I could clean up and get on with my afternoon.  But alas, I couldn't find the lid!  (Mind you, the entire coffee making process was done from the comfort of my desk chair.  I didn't move more than 12 inches during the entire process to make this cup of coffee.  How the hell I misplaced the lid I have no idea.)  And as I'm standing up, spinning in circles, cursing myself for being crazy and not able to find the blue lid (I even checked my pockets!) a lady I'd never met before but needed to introduce myself to (and make a good first impression for because I'd be working with her lots in the future) walked in and saw me turning in circles on my own little crazy train.  My entire conversation with her was distracted by the fact that I couldn't find the blue lid to this damn canister!!! 

Finally, as I tried to shoo her away so she wouldn't see how crazy I was, I just got down on the floor and started digging under a cabinet in my "office."  And alas!  I finally found the lid... a GOLD lid.  Why I swore it was blue, I have no idea.  

Clearly, I not only needed my afternoon cup o' joe, but I needed to add another scoop of cappuccino mix to it.  Because my little insomniac is making me crazy!!!!   

Independent Woman

Every time my daughter learns something new I start singing a Destiny's Child song from my high school days.  I sing mostly to myself because 1) I barely remember all the words 2) I can't really sing all that well and would prefer not to scar my child 3) I'm not actually all that happy about why I'm singing.

You see, Elly is only 10.5 months old and the writings on the wall.  (I'm really hitting the DC lyrics hard tonight!  It's about to get Jumpin' Jumpin' in here!) I can tell that I have an extremely rocky road ahead of me as I try to raise my incredibly stubborn, headstrong, independent woman in this world.
 

 

How do I already know this is going to be as fun as traveling over landmines?  Because she already throws fits when you try to help her do something.  She's been walking 2 months already.  When we were in the airport earlier this week and she was starting to walk into stores or other places she shouldn't I responded with a stern "No thank you, this way please" and tried to hold her hand and walk her in a different direction. 

Her response? A full-blown tantrum, complete with arm flailing and writhing out of my hand so she could walk by herself and go where she wanted to go.  She didn't need my help to turn around, she could do it herself.  And there was no way she was going to let mama walk hand-in-hand with her.  She's a big girl and can do it herself.  In fact, she's begun to walk like a model, one hand on her hip, the other extended in the air (Ok, so it looks more like she's about to bust out in song and dance about a little tea pot who's short and stout... but still.)  I'd like to blame the trip to New York City, but no, this is just her spirit.

Another example of her desire to do it her way and refuse help: she had her sippy cup this morning and it was pretty much empty.  Stoofy, myself AND Ms. B all tried to change her sippy cup and give her the other one (the exact same kind of cup, just a different color) with water in it that just happen to be sitting right next to her.  NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.  She at one point swatted at Stoofy when he tried to take the empty cup out of her hand and swap it with the other, full one.  Nope. 

And Ms. B reported today that Elly threw herself to the ground and had a mini-tantrum because she was not allowed to climb up the stairs by herself.  She's been learning how to go up them with Stoofy helping her, but clearly since she's not even a year old yet, climbing stairs on her own is a big no no.  Especially because half our steps in the house are the open back kind.  She could easily squeeze through and fall head first to her demise.  Not really my style of fun. 

But does she care about the scary death trap?  No.  She doesn't want your help going up the stairs because she's already freakin' learned how to do it and can do it herself damn it!!!!  If she could talk already she’d say, “Just stop holding my hand mom and let me do it on my own!”

And that right there is the problem.  Her not wanting to hold my hand in the airport while walking around nearly broke my heart.  I actually felt it break into tiny, little pieces.  (Don't worry, "I'm a Survivor" and I'm not going to give uh...), Yes, I know she's still a baby and she will need me for lots of things for many years (especially since she can't reach the food yet and will need me to at least feed her for awhile longer.  Although today she learned how to feed herself with a spoon.  I'm quickly becoming as obsolete as a payphone). But it kills me to watch her grow up so fast.  It's like I blinked and she's almost an adult! 

I don't know how it even happened.  And because she's so independent I worry she’ll stop needing  me so much sooner than other kids.  Or at least she'll THINK she won't need me so much sooner. 

It looks like I've got two options here: 1) learn to accept the fact that my baby is independent like her mother and doesn't need me in her life anymore or 2) change my parenting technique and hover over her and make her so damn co-dependent that she'll never leave my side. 

Option 2 is sounding less and less crazy every day she learns a new skill. 

Mama Gets a New Look

This week was quite the adventure!!!  Stoofy, Elly and I all had a blast in NYC.  As soon as we got there I hit the ground running and went straight to the hair salon for a brand new 'do.  Since getting out of the Navy, I chopped my hair off.  I just couldn't stand it anymore and I was tired of being Elly's makeshift pull toy.  But this new cut really makes me look cute.  I went from a really nice, edgy cut to a super cute bob that fits my face perfectly.  It doesn't hide my face fat, but it does a nice job of camouflaging it. 

Speaking of camouflage... Stoofy did a great job of adjusting to no camo.  But that doesn't mean he didn't make a few jokes about it to the makeover stylist!  He and I spent most of our time separated until the big makeover reveal so that we'd be surprised with what each other was wearing.  So apparently when he was getting his new outfit, he gave the women a handy fashion tip they even used on the show- if you want to hide all your fatty trouble spots, just wear camo!!!  So there's your Stoofy fashion tip!

Now, we didn't get a whole new wardrobe or anything like that, but we did get a nice outfit, plus a free trip to NYC, and a nice lunch out on the town.  So all in all, a damn good two-day trip!

My dress was a sexy little red and fuchsia number.  I NEVER would have picked something like that out for myself.  One, it was super form-fitting, so I tend to keep my fat ass away from that kind of thing.  Not to mention the colors looked like they wouldn't work together.  But after two pairs of spankx and the help of a giant shoe horn, I was able to stuff slip right into that beauty.  And wouldn't you know it, I looked awesome.  Because it was fitted, it gave my fat rolls a beautiful hourglass shape, the colors popped as vibrant as my personality and it was a gift from the Nate Berkus show.  Who wouldn't love that?!?!?! 

We didn't get to spend more than the 10 minute taped segment with Nate.  Which is a bummer, but his whole production staff were great!!!  They're just the nicest people ever and Elly just loved them all.  In fact, they all loved her too.  (I’m pretty sure most of them offered to kidnap her and keep her as the show’s mascot.  I doubt that’s legal.)  And she actually spent more time with Nate than we did!!!  He even gave her a shout out about how cute he thought she was and how the whole staff wanted to keep her during the show!  Now if that isn't cute, I don't know what is! #stealingmamasthunder #jealousstagemom

I think the most amazing (read scary, terrifying and I must be off my meds to do this) thing was that I allowed the stylist and Nate to tell the whole freakin' world that I'm a size 14/16.  That's right, I just did it again.  I told the whole world what my dress size is.  And honestly, it's not as scary as I thought it would be. 

Mainly because we talked about why my size is so hard to shop for and I realized I can't possibly be the only woman in the world who's a 14/16 and can't find clothes.  I'm a true 14/16.  I'm not a plus sized woman, my proportions aren't really plus sized.  Yes I have big boobs, and yes I have a wonderful layer of insulation around my mid-riff, but I'm not a plus.  I'm just an XL.

And as it turns out, major department stores only carry one 14 and one 16 in each style of dress in their stores.  Why that is, no one knows.  It probably goes back to everyone's supposed to be a size -4 to fit into the clothes they make for my hangers.  But that's why it's hard to find dresses and outfits for my size.  And it took the stylist 3 days to find my outfit.  I don't have 3 days to shop for anything.  Elly gets a little impatient and I don't even have the patience for that kind of marathon shopping. 

So there you have it.  I'm a sexy size 14/16 mama who broadcasted to the world that you can have fluff and still look hot!  You just need a team of hair and makeup specialists and a personal shopper to pull it all off.  So, I'm going to need each and every one of you to share with your friends this awesome blog, so that I can figure out a way to make a living just writing about my life and maybe sharing tips on how to cook, sew, craft and make sure you don't accidently step on your kid so I can have my personal dream team.  Someday this will all pay off.....

It's Just Business

So I'm in New York City!!!! Yay me! I can't wait to start my makeover later today and meet #NateBerkus!

Flying with Elly wasn't so hard this time around, and I really think its because Stoofy was here to help schlep crap. What's nuts is the size bag we brought for 2 days, 1 night of travel! But with an infant, you really can't be too sure. Or at least that's what I've tried to explain to Stoofy.

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, you know I'm completely shameless. And this trip is another opportunity to spread my craziness around the world, one business card at a time.

I feverishly printed off 200 cards with my Facebook, twitter, and blog site and packed those suckers in my carry on last night. Why?

Because I'm a sucker looking to get more suckers to follow me in my life adventures!!!!

I've stuck cards in chair pockets on the plane, left them stuck in the corners of mirrors and left them at different airport eateries. If you found Betty because of a card, awesome! Follow me and tell your friends.

Even better, once you're done getting my info off the card, leave it somewhere new and random. I know where I left the cards, I'll be interested to know how far away they end up!!!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

New York City

Well, the bags are packed and the business cards are printed off.  I'm ready for NYC! 

We need to wake up at O'Dark thirty, so I really should be in bed right this second.  But I'm just too darn excited!!! 

I can't wait to see the city.  I've never been, so this will be such an awesome experience just for that alone!  I can't wait to see what they do for Stoofy, and I really can't wait to see what they put me in.  I'm nervous and excited but really I'm just happy to have this opportunity.

I'm worried about messing up Elly's schedule, but I also couldn't care less because who knows when I'll be able to bring her back!  I'll take lots of pictures and post a few here. 

I'm also really excited to meet Nate and his whole crew that have been helping to plan and organize this trip for us.  They're really a great bunch of people and it should be lots of fun meeting them.

Time to hit the sheets.  I'll probably want to kill myself in just a few hours when it's time to wake up.  Just remind me that I'm getting pampered for a couple days in NYC!  That should knock the sleepy right out of me!

Temporary Vegetarian

Every so often I end up in a discussion about pregnancy and how much it sucks.  I work in an office with almost all women.  A couple are a little younger than me and the rest are a bit older than me.  Those of us with kids (I'm the youngest with a kid, and Elly is SIGNIFICANTLY younger than the other people's kids) talk about what our experiences were when we were pregnant or in labor.

And these conversations remind me about the things I've pushed out of my mind a bit about being pregnant with Elly.  I haven't forgot these memories yet, hence one of the reasons I blog.  I don't want to forget all of the hell she put me through.

You see, I am a meat eater.  (Take that however you want you sick perv!) I enjoy a giant, medium-rare steak, I love sausage and bacon both for breakfast, and I love to eat turkey sandwiches.  A meal isn't complete without meat.  Without it, it's just a snack. 

That all changed when I became pregnant.  Aside from the fact that EVERYTHING made me blow chunks, meat especially did.  I couldn't walk past the meat counter in a grocery store unless I had my trusty "air sickness bag" with me.  (The grocery store as a whole was pretty dangerous grounds for me, but especially in the meat department.) 

I practically became a vegetarian.  I couldn't stand eating any kinds of beef, chicken, or pork.  And I couldn't eat too much fish (which I didn't want much of in the first place) because of whatever crazy science article I was reading that week and the effects of the fish on my baby.  (My policy was, why bother fucking the kid up in utero?  I needed to wait until the kid was fully baked and then I could start screwing it up... because, you know, it's always the mother's fault.)

It was so disappointing to not even be slightly interested in any of the things I loved to eat.  I actually lost weight before gaining weight while pregnant!  Who knew dividing cells into a new human being would be the best diet around?!?!?!

The only thing I could stand to eat was bacon bits on my pizza (which I ate nearly every other day).  No other meat could be found in my house. 

Fast forward 10 months and I'll wolf down a steak in 5 minutes flat.  I eat hamburger like it's going out of style.  And I pile on extra turkey on my sandwiches.  My herbivore days were just temporary.  THANK GOD!

But Elly, she's still a vegetarian.  No matter what we try to feed her by way of meat, she's not interested.  But that kid will horck down apples, lima beans, broccoli, and strawberries by the fistful.  If you don't speed it up while cutting up the kiwi she'll let you know she's not pleased.  But offer her a bit of pot roast and there's no touching it.  She instead works around the roast and eats the potatoes and carrots.  So for now she's a vegetarian.  (Don't worry, the dog's still a carnivore.  Elly share's the pot roast with the dog!)

I just hope she grows out of it.  I don't know if I could handle a meal without meat!

Pinterest

I just discovered a new amazing thing on the interwebs (You know, other than the other blogs I now follow and the awesome freefringes.com).  It's called Pinterest... and I'm ADDICTED!!!

Whenever I've looked at everyone's facebook statuses and I'm bored that no one has trended anything exciting, and I've run out of interesting news to read on Yahoo and am too lazy to pull up the Defense Department's site, I head over to Pinterest.

If you haven't been, you need to!!!!  If you love to craft, do lots of DIY projects, love to look at all the pretty things in the world you wish you had or could do yourself, then you need Pinterest. 

It seems as though it's becoming more and more popular and more and more addicting... which I love!  The more cool things people "pin" the more cool things I can repin and LOVE!

For example, I just found the most adorable onsie dress that's easy to make at home for Elly's first birthday.  It'll only take a little bit of fabric and a cute onsie and VIOLA! You've got yourself a rockin' birthday outfit! 

Stoofy and I dream of our house if we ever won the lottery.  Well, on Pinterest you can start designing it with all the amazing pictures and ideas. 

I look forward to pinning a few of my ideas for nifty storage and decorating ideas around our new place.  Stoofy probably won't like them, but hey, he'd rather have everything in the house be a shade of brown.  And since I prefer not to live in a make-your-own-UPS-warehouse, I'll go ahead and decide what I'm hanging on the walls.  He'll tell me if he hates it, and I might listen... maybe.

I'm just sayin', aside from this blog and the official Betty facebook page, Pinterest should totally be bookmarked on your web browser.  No really, take a second, and bookmark those three sites right now.

I'll wait....................................................

Um, you forgot this blog!

...............................................................

Ok, now that's better!

If you end up addicted to Pinterest like me, then steer clear of the app.  Because it'll only make your addiction worse.  But if you like a little vice in your life, consider pinning a little Betty to your boards! 

Betty Factoids

1) I don't like gum.  In fact, I downright hate it.  Everything about it grosses me out.  So do me a favor and keep your disgusting wad of germs away from me.  I don't even like mints.  Just keep all spearmint products away from me. 

2) Small talk is pretty annoying.  Especially in the bathroom.  I don't want to talk about the weather, traffic or my shoes in the bathroom.  In fact, I don't want to talk at all in there.  I want to get it, get what I went in there to get done done and leave.  Don't get me wrong, I like to BS with people, just not in the bathroom!

3) My favorite number is 13.  It stems back to when I was in a special program with the Girl Scouts.  We all were assigned a number for roll call and uniform identification purposes (funny how well that set me up for the military!).  My number was lucky 13 for 7 years and it just stuck. 

4) I'm terrible at spelling.  There are certain words that I just can't spell right no matter how hard I try.  In fact, I've tried them so many times that my autocorrect has given up on me and just misspells them wrong for me automatically.  I usually spell check my facebook statuses before posting them, because I don't want to look like a dumbass for spelling something wrong. 

5) My worst misspelled offenders are: separate, necessary, guard, guarantee, and Massachusetts. (Actually, when I plugged this blog into Word to do a double check on my spelling, I misspelled every single one of those words again! Man I suck!)  I never made it very far in the school spelling bees.  I usually got eliminated within the first round of classroom preliminaries.  How I got a job in journalism, I have no idea.

6) I feel I'm a pretty good judge of character.  And if I meet you and don't get a good feeling about you, you automatically end up on my shit list.  It's hard to work your way off the shit list.  It's happened only a couple of times, but usually when you go on that list, it's for a good reason.

7) I was a cheerleader for about 6 minutes in middle school and I've never been in any kind of drama club or performing arts classes.  I probably should have been, but who knows what kind of trouble that would have led me into! :-)

8) I truly would love to make a living off of writing about my crazy life.  I have no idea exactly how to do that yet, but how wonderful would it be to just get paid for living?  Sounds amazing!

9) Until I figure that out, Stoofy and I regularly play the lotto.  We don't spend a lot on it, just a few bucks a week.  But we started because as my mom said, "You can't keep saying 'when I win the lottery I'm going to...' if you don't play the lottery!"  And my mom was right about applying for the makeover, so I guess I should play a little each week!

10) I talk a lot to myself in my car when I drive.  I talk about a lot of random things.  And I used to feel weird about it, because I didn't want people to think I was super weird talking to myself driving down the road, but nowadays with blue tooth, no one really knows if you're talking to yourself or talking to someone through your car speakers.  So I don't look so retarded now!

11) While most people are afraid of heights, spiders, snakes, loneliness, I'm afraid of tall, wet grass.  Creeps me out and I don't like the feel of it.  I think it goes back to my days being stationed in Cuba.  Running on the trails through the tall grasses in the early morning so there's still dew on them, is gross.  You never knew what kind of critter would crawl out of that stuff and eat your leg.

12) I like even numbers rather than odd numbers.  And I really can't stand to leave something hanging on an odd number.  And when telling time, if it's 11:37 I round to the nearest multiple of 5.  If you asked me what time it was and my clock said 11:37, I'd say it was 11:40.  It's just how I am.

13) I enjoy watching a lot of sports, but I do have a line.  I don't like basketball, you only need to watch the last 5 minutes of the game to get the gist, soccer is excruciating because you could watch the whole thing and there's still no winner, and golf is worse than watching paint dry. 

14) Talking on the phone annoys me usually.  Nine times out of 10, I don't like it.  I'd rather have written communication... even if that means a text.  Or even better yet, I'd rather talk to you in person.

15) I hope one day my daughter can read all of these things and not think her mom is a complete crackpot.  And even if she does think I am, I hope I've made enough money off of it to shut her up and tell her to do whatever she dreams of doing, even if everyone thinks she's crazy.  Because that's what life's all about! 

I'll be on TV!

So I feel like every time I try to sit down and write something I get distracted by something shiny.  This week it's been hearing from the producers of the Nate Berkus show.  Who's Nate Berkus?  (Check the link to the left for full details) He's an interior designer who got hooked up with Oprah and ended up getting his own daytime TV show.  And I'm going to be on his show next week (well, the show tapes next week, I have no clue when the actual show will air) to get a makeover!

How in the hell did I get called for a makeover?  Well I won them over with my charm of course!

It all started with my mom being on semi-permanent vacation and not having enough to do but watch daytime TV.  She liked him on Oprah so she checked out his new show that kicked off in September with all the other new fall shows.  She then promptly texted me to tell me to apply for a makeover.

If you have read this blog, you'll know that I got out of the Navy back in November (about 6 weeks ago actually).  And I've realized since getting out (and leading up to getting out), that I suck at being a girl.  I am so used to wearing my hair pulled back all the time, not worrying about what clothes I need to wear for the day because it's the same thing every day (thank you uniform), or even having earrings to wear when I'm not in uniform.  Needless to say, I REALLY NEED A MAKEOVER!!!

So I did what my mother told me to do, and I applied.  It's a really good thing I listened to her, because last week I got a couple calls and emails from one of the show producers!  They wanted to know more about me!

Well after finding out that I'm not only fashion challenged after being militarily reformed for seven years, but that I'm also pretty darn funny they decided to move forward... to the next interview.

And the next interview was actually with Stoofy!!!!  They asked him a ton of questions about me and then they realized that he's a vet too.  And they started asking us both questions about BOTH OF US.

As it turns out, Stoofy and I are a pretty funny couple (when we're not screaming obscenities at each other.)  So it wasn't too big of a surprise this morning when I got the official call that the show is booking our travel arrangements!

So Stoofy, Elly and I are headed to NYC next week for the very first time ever to get a makeover!  (Even Stoofy is getting a makeover!  No more Carhart pants!)  I don't know whether to pluck my eyebrow (yes, eyebrow as in singular as there is only one, I just disguise it by plucking halfway between my eyes) or remove the chipped nail polish from my gnarly toes or just leave it all for them to deal with.

I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen either!  I know we're both getting makeovers, but I don't know what that entails.  I don't know if I'm getting 1-2 outfits, or if I'm coming home with a suitcase full of new things. 

All I know is I'm boarding a plane in a week with my husband and daughter looking ho-hum, and I'll be returning as a superstar!!!  (and hopefully with some makeup and clothing tips so I can recreate this when I get home!)

Wish me luck, and I'll let you know when to watch.  You never know!  My mom could be right, and this could be the next big step for Betty!!!