A Few of My Favorite Things

In the spirit of end of year review mania that seems to hit our country about this time every year, I figured I'd jump on board.  And as a side note: until I started working in news I never knew why every single tv, radio, paper, magazine, etc. puts out a best of at the end of the year... until I wanted some down time around the holidays too.  So what's the easiest way to create that for yourself around the holidays?  Just rehash all the shit you've already done and call it "new"s. 

Anyway, even though I've only been a part of the blogosphere since July (and I took that trip to Jupiter, aka fell off the blogging planet) I still feel like I've got some gems in my archives.

So here are a few of my favorite things (in no particular order):

1) Breastfed Thighs
I'll do my best to keep the positive about my thighs come the end of January.  That's inevitably when swimsuit shopping season begins and I'd much rather slice my left hand off with a circular saw than expose my thighs to the world (or expose the world to my thighs depending on how you look at it). 

2) What Did I Step In?
I feel like I step in a pile of shit every week.  Some weeks are shittier than others.  But this one just tops them all.  I mean, seriously.  What the hell is wrong with people?  Clearly advertising geniuses know how to plug their products with cute babies.  Because people will literally look past whatever shit you've got when there's a cute baby to look at instead. 

3) Got Milk?

This is actually a blog from my early days.  I hadn't really introduced everyone to Abby yet.  But I realized since I talked about her so much as a friend, that she just needed to be named and be a full-blown character in my daily crazy.  The main part of the blog really was word for word an email I sent her after being fascinated and disgusted by my cow-like ability.  And although I've stopped breastfeeding, I'm grateful for having endured that crazy shit for as long as I did for Elly.  She'd better be a grateful little kid when she grows up or else! 

 

4) Losing My Hair.. and Marbles

I still chuckle a little every time I read this.  And then the chuckles are drowned out by my tears of sadness over my awful hair.  I have had it cut into a nice, hot-mom cut.  So at least my hair is a lot more manageable than when it was longer.  And by the way, I STILL haven't found that freakin' calendar yet! 

 

5) Tinkling

I actually have to go use the little girl's room right now.  So I'd better stop what I'm doing and take a break or else I may have a code yellow alert!

 

6) In Search Of...

It still truly amazes me how your body completely changes when you're pregnant.  And then morphs into something completely different after the baby.  I'll never understand people (specifically insensitive asshole men) who say, oh you're just lazy that's why you don't have the exact same body after having the baby.  Uh newsflash dumbass, it doesn't work like that.  Not only am I searching for my ass, I also grew bigger feet.  No amount of zumba is going to fix that shit! 

7) Being an Adult Rocks!

I crack up every time I eat a deli sandwich now because I only think of windshield meat.  If you ever end up tossing turkey on someone's car and they eat it, please let me know!!!! And if you do witness that, I hope you scream at them "BEING AN ADULT ROCKS!!!"

8)BOOBS!

This is still one of my all-time favorites.  Because I am so impressed at how many different ways I could work the word boobs into the blog.  And because of that, I actually had a few people stumble upon my blog because of their key word searches.  Here's what can land you in Betty's world if you google it: "Big Milk Boobs," "Boobs," and my personal favorite "Boobs Rock the World."  Yes, yes they do! (PS, I'd love to know who googled "I'm not doing that" and found me!!!  LOL! What the hell aren't they willing to do I wonder!)

9) Vanilla Tuna

There are some people in this world you meet and never remember again.  And then there are some people that leave a lasting impression on you for the rest of your life.  The stinky girl in my Navy school is one of those people I'll never forget.... and I'm so grossed out by it!

10) Caught Red Handed

Elly just kills me some days.  Every day she's learning, exploring, and absorbing new information.  She amazes me... right up until she's caught red handed doing something shouldn't have done but has no idea that it was a no-no.  I clearly have a long road ahead of me teaching her important life-lessons.  And I feel like a lot of them are going to be really messy!

11) Pumpkin Pie and Jail Time

What's terrible about this pregnancy memory is that even though pumpkin pie is my absolute FAVORITE dessert and it's what I love more than anything for my birthday cake, I still haven't had a slice in 2011!  Sad :-( I better get on that before the year is over and I better make sure I don't go to jail getting pumpkin pie!

12)   That's Not Fair

The phrase "That's Not Fair" could quite possibly be one of the most famous sayings heard in my house growing up.  Either (or in my opinion, mostly) my sister or me would utter that phrase whenever we had felt slighted.  Our mother was very careful to make sure that things were as fair as you can make them for two completely different-minded children constantly at each other's throats.  So I feel like because of that, I have an obsession to try and make things as far as possible in the world when I can.  However, there are things that just can't be helped.  Like the fact that Snookie makes millions more than I do.

Well there you have it!  Betty's favorites of 2011.  I can't even imagine how exciting 2012 will be!  In just a few short months Elly will be a year old, Stoofy and I will celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary, I'll go on at least 12 tirades threatening to kick someone in their shins, and on top of that, I've got the regular comings and goings of life to chronicle. 

Please be sure to follow me on Facebook, become a fan of this blog, and most importantly TELL YOUR FRIENDS!  I am a narcissist and I need constant positive approval.  So the more people who like me, the better I feel.  JOKING, but not really.  Force your friends to like me if you have to.  It's fine, I completely approve of it!

And I'll have plenty more to add before the year is over... but until then, thanks for enjoying 2011 with me!

World of Wild Crafters

You know World of Warcraft? (Yeah, I don’t either. I've heard about it, but I really have no idea what it is...) Well, if you don't know about WoW, I'm almost sure you probably don't know about the WoWC!

WoWC is the World of Wild Crafters.  I know, you're thinking, how crazy could crafters be?  Other than the occasional hot glue gun accident or needle incident, there can't be too much to it, right?  WRONG!!!  The crafting world is filled with enough characters to write a spinoff of Harry Potter or Melrose Place (the original one). 

You've got your scrappbookers (they're a bunch of cutters), your cake and candy makers (they're usually my favorite because I never turn down food), floral arrangement ladies (I'm pretty sure they're all born in the spring and named April), wood workers (their slogan is "We do it against the grain"), painters and photographers (that's like a Hatfield and McCoy feud.  And the framers are stuck in the middle). 

There's the jewelry makers (who are easily distracted by all their shiny things) and the needle point girls (don't piss them off  unless you want a needle to the eye).  And don't forget the quilters out there.  (They are usually found in gangs they like to call guilds and they're like the Masons of Crafting.  Once you've made a rambling rose quilt with appliqué you reach the 33rd Degree and get a special ring.)

And then you have the knitters and crotcheter.  They're a tough crowd.  And you're usually one or the other.  No bi-craftials allowed!  (I don't consider myself bi-craftial.  Instead, I consider myself an ambassador between the two sides since I do both.) I know, I know.  You're thinking "Betty, I think you've finally cracked."  But honestly, this is serious business! 

You see, being a military spouse means you move around a lot just like your servicemember.  It's usually really hard to keep bouncing from job to job.  Not to mention the cost of day care is pretty much absurd.  So many wives find ways to keep themselves busy, and market their hobby as a means of extra income.  Shit, I'd do the same damn thing if I could.  I totally want to make money off of what I love to do, and was going to do anyway! (Isn't there a saying about if you're doing what you love then it's not really called work?)

Well, in the WoWC on a military base, you end up having many people that do very similar things.  It's inevitable.  It's not like there's one knitter or only one baker in the world.  I mean, we do live in America.  In case you didn't get the news flash, we support capitalism here (unless you're busy occupying Wall Street).

Turns out, when there's a little competition, some just can't handle it.  It's gotten so serious lately, people are starting to de-friend others!  I mean wow!  This is EXTREME!!!!  Whoever said crafters are a bunch of boring old ladies has no idea what they're talking about.  This shit is the makings of the next hit reality show!

And apparently the wives are involving the husbands as well.  When I told Stoofy about this, he scoffed. 

S: "You women find the most ridiculous things to bitch about.  You wanna know what those guys are saying? 'Dude, did your wife bitch at you when you got home? Yeah.  Me too.  Over crocheting? Yeah! FUCKING IDIOTS!'" 

When I explained this is serious business and there's now competition, he replied:

S: "Everybody's got somebody else!  McDonald's has Burger King.  PF Changs has Panda Express.  Everyone has competition.  Get over it!" (This is where I realized we’re both fat kids because we’re using food chains as an analogy.)

Me? Well everyone's got a blog in this world.  I just have to figure out what my gimmick is to keep hooking readers.  (Hahaha!  I said hooking! I'm now a pimp! You’re all my bitches!) Maybe if I can't hack it as a blogger I'll keep working on the script for my new pilot show Crochet Drama: Secrets of the WoWC.  Maybe Snooki would be available for the lead role?

That's not fair!

We live in a world of haves and have nots. I have a lot compared to a lot of people in the world. (Actually, I have too much stuff now that it's time to pack up and move again. So I've been having a garage sale trying to get rid of my crap and allow others to have more crap in their life... all for the low low price of $2 a bag!)

I have a lot more than a lot of people. But I also have a lot less than other people in this world.

So is life.

I've accepted this as the way it goes. Well, for the most part.

Some days I get really pissed off that I'm not as smart as the Mark or Randi Zuckerbergs of the world. If I was, then I'd be a billionaire. On the other end of the spectrum, I'm also too smart to be Snooki or JWoww,  hooching it up for the entire world to see. If I was that easy or trashy, then I could be a millionaire and be a guest on Regis and Kelli.

 

Instead, I'm just average. Nothing too special. I am married, I have a kid and a dog. I've got a job (for now). I'm the all-American dream.

I have more than a lot of others. Yet, people who have more than me still approach me and tell me thank you. Why?  Because I'm in the military. I chose many years ago to raise my hand and pledge an oath to serve our country. And every day I'm grateful I did.

My service has given me a lot to be thankful for. I met my husband because of the military, I've traveled the world, and I've made the best friends a Betty could ever ask for. 

I've gotten a few free meals and free drinks.  I've attended concerts and sporting games on someone else's dime.  I've received discounted clothes, shoes and vacations.  I've even gotten tax free computers, furniture and a breast pump.  I think the best thing I ever got super cheap from being in the military was my hospital stay when I was in labor with Elly.  FREE!!!  BOOO-YAAAAAH Bitches!!!! (The stretch marks and puking were just an extra bonus thrown in by Mother Nature.)

I'm very grateful that in this day and age, the American public feels strongly about supporting the troops.  There are endless programs out there supporting us- everything from job initiatitaves (let's hope that helps me out soon), home programs, to helping out around the holidays.  And Sears is one of the companies helping out the military. 

They have a program called Heroes on the Homefront and every year service members can register to win a gift card for the holidays.  A friend of mine got $100 last year.  Not bad considering he'd gotten back from Afghanistan and just had a baby.  Thanks Sears!!! 

But the registration this year was a bit of a cluster fuck.  It was yesterday, but the system had a technical glitch.  So they scrapped those and did it again today.  Although, not everyone knew about the update.  Needless to say, a lot of people ended up not getting registered before the deadline today. 

And once that happened, so did all the bitching!!!  THAT'S NOT FAIR!!!  I DIDN'T GET REGISTERED!! BUT... BLAH BLAH BLAH! 

Are you serious people?  This is a gift for God's sake.  You are not fucking entitled to it.  It's not yours just because your husband is deployed.  It's not yours just because you've been stationed a few sucky places with a few sucky chains of commands.  It's not yours just because you have to stand duty this holiday weekend. IT IS A GIFT!!! 

If you were lucky enough to get registered.  Good for you.  You still might not get a gift card.  And if you bitch about that, then maybe you should stay away from me.  Because I might just punch you square in the face you ungrateful snot. 

Like I said before, the world is full of haves and have nots.  Accept it! Because honestly, not everything is fair in life and if you can't deal with that, be prepared for me to shoot a word-rocket at your face. It won't be pretty.  Until I have more than the orange-toned whorebags I love to watch on the TV, life is never going to be fair! 

Drama Free?

Why is it that when someone says they are drama free it really means buckle up for an 'I want to be a reality star on any kind if tv show I can find because my life is so desperately boring I have to invent shit to stir up trouble to have any kind of excitement' ride?

Whenever some one tries to tell me they can't stand drama I usually make a mental note and run as fast as I can away. (And i FUCKING HATE RUNNING!!!) Because it usually means the opposite.

I've got dramatic co-workers I keep an arms-length away (mainly because it's illegal to strangle them, so it's better if they're out of reach), crazy family (which because I'm related to them I can't do a damn thing about), in-laws (virtually the same thing, only now I'm not only tied to them because I'm married, but because I have a kid who carries the crazy gene) and then I have the military.

The military brings a whole new level of drama to anyone's life. You do NOT want to try and play the 'One Up' game with a service member.

I've got sea stories of bat-shit crazy things going on that are what's considered normal in the military.

And I'm worried that because I'm so used to that level of drama in my life being normal I won't be able to realize what is actually normal to civilians when I become one. Am I so used to drama at a level 10, that when faced with a 2 or a 3, I won't even notice and will just laugh at them and make things worse. I don't need a RHofNJ Danielle Staub on my hands.

I'm not going to lie, I actually like a little drama. I like it when I watch the RHofNJ or RHofOC or Jersey Shore. Or even when I follow along on a few facebook pages I'm a fan of because it's like reading my own little US Weekly!

I just like to be an outsider watching the drama unfold. I don't actually want to be in the blast radius when the tables start flipping and wine glasses get thrown.

So I won't say I don't like drama, I just like to watch it, not live it. 


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