Elly do it

Last night wasn't a great night for me and Elly.  I picked her up from daycare, give her a hug and a kiss and she proceeds to pick up her jacket.  I go to help her put it on and she says yells "ELLY DO IT!!!!" 

Zipping her own coat

Ok fine.  So I let her put on her coat. But I was in a hurry and she was taking forever since, you know, she's two and hasn't quite master figuring out which hole to put her arm through.  So I try to help a tiny, little bit and get her going in the right direction. 

"ELLY DO IT!!!!!!!!!"

Ok. FINE!

Finally we're dressed and ready to leave. But before we can walk out the door, she has to press the button to open the door.  She has to walk out to the car on her own.  She has to climb into the car on her own and she has to get into her car seat on her own.  Because after all...

"ELLY DO IT!!!!"

We get home and she's trying to help open the door.  It's really more of a pain in my ass for her to do this, but she's screaming again.

"ELLY DO IT!!"

Time to make dinner, "ELLY DO IT!!!" (It took 15 minutes to convince her that she needed to play in her sensory bucket and not try and help me cook the taco meat.)

Time to clean up the house, "ELLY DO IT!!!" (This took an additional 25 minutes to clean up after her, but not let her know I was doing it, since “Elly do it.”)

Walk up the stairs to bath time, get the bubbles in the bath, take off clothes and try on the potty, climb into the tub...

"ELLY DO IT!!!!!"

Except she can't do it all yet.  The kid takes for FOR.FUCKING.EVER. to get things done.  Probably because she really has no actual life experience doing half these things yet.  I mean, she's only two, but she thinks she can do it all and won't accept any help. 

So here we are, in a conundrum. I'm the experienced 30-year-old know-it-all mother.  She's the stubborn and independently-minded child who won't accept help. I want things done quickly and efficiently.  I have limited time to get everything done and don't have 15 minutes while she figures out pulling her arm out of her sleeve and sticking it through the head-hole of her shirt will not equal a successful attempt at undressing herself.

Yet, here she is, all needing to do everything on her own. And I know she has to learn all of these important life skills.  I have to encourage her to learn or else I'm going to be stuck still wiping her ass when she's 30 because she still won't have figured that out. (She'll probably blame me because I never cut her hair.)

I have to take a moment and realize that her stubbornness and desire to do things on her own, learn new skills and take charge are all qualities I love about her and that I've given her. (The apple doesn’t exactly fall far from the tree.) It's this desire to learn and take on new challenges that will make her successful in life. 

I should be grateful that she is excited to help me put the soap in the dishwasher and start it.  I should be thrilled she wants to help me put the clothes in and out of the dryer. I should be happy she wants to venture on her own and learn how things work. After all, this means in a few more years I'll be able to put her to work around the house, right?

After a deep breath, a mental regroup and a few bedtime stories, I asked her to help turn out the lights for the night. I picked her up so she could reach the light switch and said, "Elly do it."

She looked at me with big eyes and said, "Momma do it." 

You're killing me kid.

Magic Birthday

Today is my sister's Magic Birthday.  (I call it magic, it's apparently supposed to be called a golden birthday... whatever.  I do what I want!)  She's 27 and today's the 27th... get it?  I celebrated my golden birthday a few years ago.  I don't remember it much.  I was probably drunk.  Hey, I was 24, that's what you do when you're still young enough to rebound from a hangover in a day!  (That will not be the case when I celebrate the big 3-0 later this year!)

Anyway, as I sat and thought about my golden birthday and her golden birthday, I thought, how cool is it to celebrate when you're a little older and can remember it?  And then I realized in 33 days my daughter is going to have her magic birthday. 

First and foremost, HOLY SHIT!  How did an entire year blow by me?  How did she get so old so quickly?  It feels like just yesterday that I was walking around with a beach ball under my shirt complaining about my hips being out of place because a fetus was cozied up in my pelvis!  But I still have a month to panic and contemplate how time has passed me by and my daughter has gotten so big...

When I first realized that she would never remember her magic birthday (because it's her first birthday and who remembers that?) I was really sad.  She's still a baby and won't get to enjoy in her magical day because she'll probably be napping, or crying, or wacking something into my face.  I was sad for her.  I never thought of this downside when I thought of all the pluses to having a birthday on the first of the month. 

Having your birthday on the first of the month seems nice.  It's easy to remember.   It's not hard like when I try to remember Stoofy's birthday and get the date mixed up with what date we got married.  (I actually suck at remembering exact dates.  I am pretty good at ballpark estimates when it comes to important dates like that.  God bless Facebook for helping me remember the exact date my husband birthday is!)

But I never realized she'd pretty much forget all about her magic birthday.  *insert pitty party here*

Then I realized it's just up to me to make her birthday magical and special!!  Even though she won't realize this first birthday of hers is her magic birthday, it will be magical for me.  It's a small miracle that I survived a year of motherhood, I didn't murder my husband, he didn't push me down any stairs because I was a crazy mom, and (knock on wood) we haven't had any major catastrophe with Elly!!!! 

So, now I don't feel so bad about her missing her magical birthday.  I'll just make it up to her for every other birthday she has. 

Temporary Vegetarian

Every so often I end up in a discussion about pregnancy and how much it sucks.  I work in an office with almost all women.  A couple are a little younger than me and the rest are a bit older than me.  Those of us with kids (I'm the youngest with a kid, and Elly is SIGNIFICANTLY younger than the other people's kids) talk about what our experiences were when we were pregnant or in labor.

And these conversations remind me about the things I've pushed out of my mind a bit about being pregnant with Elly.  I haven't forgot these memories yet, hence one of the reasons I blog.  I don't want to forget all of the hell she put me through.

You see, I am a meat eater.  (Take that however you want you sick perv!) I enjoy a giant, medium-rare steak, I love sausage and bacon both for breakfast, and I love to eat turkey sandwiches.  A meal isn't complete without meat.  Without it, it's just a snack. 

That all changed when I became pregnant.  Aside from the fact that EVERYTHING made me blow chunks, meat especially did.  I couldn't walk past the meat counter in a grocery store unless I had my trusty "air sickness bag" with me.  (The grocery store as a whole was pretty dangerous grounds for me, but especially in the meat department.) 

I practically became a vegetarian.  I couldn't stand eating any kinds of beef, chicken, or pork.  And I couldn't eat too much fish (which I didn't want much of in the first place) because of whatever crazy science article I was reading that week and the effects of the fish on my baby.  (My policy was, why bother fucking the kid up in utero?  I needed to wait until the kid was fully baked and then I could start screwing it up... because, you know, it's always the mother's fault.)

It was so disappointing to not even be slightly interested in any of the things I loved to eat.  I actually lost weight before gaining weight while pregnant!  Who knew dividing cells into a new human being would be the best diet around?!?!?!

The only thing I could stand to eat was bacon bits on my pizza (which I ate nearly every other day).  No other meat could be found in my house. 

Fast forward 10 months and I'll wolf down a steak in 5 minutes flat.  I eat hamburger like it's going out of style.  And I pile on extra turkey on my sandwiches.  My herbivore days were just temporary.  THANK GOD!

But Elly, she's still a vegetarian.  No matter what we try to feed her by way of meat, she's not interested.  But that kid will horck down apples, lima beans, broccoli, and strawberries by the fistful.  If you don't speed it up while cutting up the kiwi she'll let you know she's not pleased.  But offer her a bit of pot roast and there's no touching it.  She instead works around the roast and eats the potatoes and carrots.  So for now she's a vegetarian.  (Don't worry, the dog's still a carnivore.  Elly share's the pot roast with the dog!)

I just hope she grows out of it.  I don't know if I could handle a meal without meat!

Betty Factoids

1) I don't like gum.  In fact, I downright hate it.  Everything about it grosses me out.  So do me a favor and keep your disgusting wad of germs away from me.  I don't even like mints.  Just keep all spearmint products away from me. 

2) Small talk is pretty annoying.  Especially in the bathroom.  I don't want to talk about the weather, traffic or my shoes in the bathroom.  In fact, I don't want to talk at all in there.  I want to get it, get what I went in there to get done done and leave.  Don't get me wrong, I like to BS with people, just not in the bathroom!

3) My favorite number is 13.  It stems back to when I was in a special program with the Girl Scouts.  We all were assigned a number for roll call and uniform identification purposes (funny how well that set me up for the military!).  My number was lucky 13 for 7 years and it just stuck. 

4) I'm terrible at spelling.  There are certain words that I just can't spell right no matter how hard I try.  In fact, I've tried them so many times that my autocorrect has given up on me and just misspells them wrong for me automatically.  I usually spell check my facebook statuses before posting them, because I don't want to look like a dumbass for spelling something wrong. 

5) My worst misspelled offenders are: separate, necessary, guard, guarantee, and Massachusetts. (Actually, when I plugged this blog into Word to do a double check on my spelling, I misspelled every single one of those words again! Man I suck!)  I never made it very far in the school spelling bees.  I usually got eliminated within the first round of classroom preliminaries.  How I got a job in journalism, I have no idea.

6) I feel I'm a pretty good judge of character.  And if I meet you and don't get a good feeling about you, you automatically end up on my shit list.  It's hard to work your way off the shit list.  It's happened only a couple of times, but usually when you go on that list, it's for a good reason.

7) I was a cheerleader for about 6 minutes in middle school and I've never been in any kind of drama club or performing arts classes.  I probably should have been, but who knows what kind of trouble that would have led me into! :-)

8) I truly would love to make a living off of writing about my crazy life.  I have no idea exactly how to do that yet, but how wonderful would it be to just get paid for living?  Sounds amazing!

9) Until I figure that out, Stoofy and I regularly play the lotto.  We don't spend a lot on it, just a few bucks a week.  But we started because as my mom said, "You can't keep saying 'when I win the lottery I'm going to...' if you don't play the lottery!"  And my mom was right about applying for the makeover, so I guess I should play a little each week!

10) I talk a lot to myself in my car when I drive.  I talk about a lot of random things.  And I used to feel weird about it, because I didn't want people to think I was super weird talking to myself driving down the road, but nowadays with blue tooth, no one really knows if you're talking to yourself or talking to someone through your car speakers.  So I don't look so retarded now!

11) While most people are afraid of heights, spiders, snakes, loneliness, I'm afraid of tall, wet grass.  Creeps me out and I don't like the feel of it.  I think it goes back to my days being stationed in Cuba.  Running on the trails through the tall grasses in the early morning so there's still dew on them, is gross.  You never knew what kind of critter would crawl out of that stuff and eat your leg.

12) I like even numbers rather than odd numbers.  And I really can't stand to leave something hanging on an odd number.  And when telling time, if it's 11:37 I round to the nearest multiple of 5.  If you asked me what time it was and my clock said 11:37, I'd say it was 11:40.  It's just how I am.

13) I enjoy watching a lot of sports, but I do have a line.  I don't like basketball, you only need to watch the last 5 minutes of the game to get the gist, soccer is excruciating because you could watch the whole thing and there's still no winner, and golf is worse than watching paint dry. 

14) Talking on the phone annoys me usually.  Nine times out of 10, I don't like it.  I'd rather have written communication... even if that means a text.  Or even better yet, I'd rather talk to you in person.

15) I hope one day my daughter can read all of these things and not think her mom is a complete crackpot.  And even if she does think I am, I hope I've made enough money off of it to shut her up and tell her to do whatever she dreams of doing, even if everyone thinks she's crazy.  Because that's what life's all about! 

I'll be on TV!

So I feel like every time I try to sit down and write something I get distracted by something shiny.  This week it's been hearing from the producers of the Nate Berkus show.  Who's Nate Berkus?  (Check the link to the left for full details) He's an interior designer who got hooked up with Oprah and ended up getting his own daytime TV show.  And I'm going to be on his show next week (well, the show tapes next week, I have no clue when the actual show will air) to get a makeover!

How in the hell did I get called for a makeover?  Well I won them over with my charm of course!

It all started with my mom being on semi-permanent vacation and not having enough to do but watch daytime TV.  She liked him on Oprah so she checked out his new show that kicked off in September with all the other new fall shows.  She then promptly texted me to tell me to apply for a makeover.

If you have read this blog, you'll know that I got out of the Navy back in November (about 6 weeks ago actually).  And I've realized since getting out (and leading up to getting out), that I suck at being a girl.  I am so used to wearing my hair pulled back all the time, not worrying about what clothes I need to wear for the day because it's the same thing every day (thank you uniform), or even having earrings to wear when I'm not in uniform.  Needless to say, I REALLY NEED A MAKEOVER!!!

So I did what my mother told me to do, and I applied.  It's a really good thing I listened to her, because last week I got a couple calls and emails from one of the show producers!  They wanted to know more about me!

Well after finding out that I'm not only fashion challenged after being militarily reformed for seven years, but that I'm also pretty darn funny they decided to move forward... to the next interview.

And the next interview was actually with Stoofy!!!!  They asked him a ton of questions about me and then they realized that he's a vet too.  And they started asking us both questions about BOTH OF US.

As it turns out, Stoofy and I are a pretty funny couple (when we're not screaming obscenities at each other.)  So it wasn't too big of a surprise this morning when I got the official call that the show is booking our travel arrangements!

So Stoofy, Elly and I are headed to NYC next week for the very first time ever to get a makeover!  (Even Stoofy is getting a makeover!  No more Carhart pants!)  I don't know whether to pluck my eyebrow (yes, eyebrow as in singular as there is only one, I just disguise it by plucking halfway between my eyes) or remove the chipped nail polish from my gnarly toes or just leave it all for them to deal with.

I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen either!  I know we're both getting makeovers, but I don't know what that entails.  I don't know if I'm getting 1-2 outfits, or if I'm coming home with a suitcase full of new things. 

All I know is I'm boarding a plane in a week with my husband and daughter looking ho-hum, and I'll be returning as a superstar!!!  (and hopefully with some makeup and clothing tips so I can recreate this when I get home!)

Wish me luck, and I'll let you know when to watch.  You never know!  My mom could be right, and this could be the next big step for Betty!!!