Mama Gets a New Look

This week was quite the adventure!!!  Stoofy, Elly and I all had a blast in NYC.  As soon as we got there I hit the ground running and went straight to the hair salon for a brand new 'do.  Since getting out of the Navy, I chopped my hair off.  I just couldn't stand it anymore and I was tired of being Elly's makeshift pull toy.  But this new cut really makes me look cute.  I went from a really nice, edgy cut to a super cute bob that fits my face perfectly.  It doesn't hide my face fat, but it does a nice job of camouflaging it. 

Speaking of camouflage... Stoofy did a great job of adjusting to no camo.  But that doesn't mean he didn't make a few jokes about it to the makeover stylist!  He and I spent most of our time separated until the big makeover reveal so that we'd be surprised with what each other was wearing.  So apparently when he was getting his new outfit, he gave the women a handy fashion tip they even used on the show- if you want to hide all your fatty trouble spots, just wear camo!!!  So there's your Stoofy fashion tip!

Now, we didn't get a whole new wardrobe or anything like that, but we did get a nice outfit, plus a free trip to NYC, and a nice lunch out on the town.  So all in all, a damn good two-day trip!

My dress was a sexy little red and fuchsia number.  I NEVER would have picked something like that out for myself.  One, it was super form-fitting, so I tend to keep my fat ass away from that kind of thing.  Not to mention the colors looked like they wouldn't work together.  But after two pairs of spankx and the help of a giant shoe horn, I was able to stuff slip right into that beauty.  And wouldn't you know it, I looked awesome.  Because it was fitted, it gave my fat rolls a beautiful hourglass shape, the colors popped as vibrant as my personality and it was a gift from the Nate Berkus show.  Who wouldn't love that?!?!?! 

We didn't get to spend more than the 10 minute taped segment with Nate.  Which is a bummer, but his whole production staff were great!!!  They're just the nicest people ever and Elly just loved them all.  In fact, they all loved her too.  (I’m pretty sure most of them offered to kidnap her and keep her as the show’s mascot.  I doubt that’s legal.)  And she actually spent more time with Nate than we did!!!  He even gave her a shout out about how cute he thought she was and how the whole staff wanted to keep her during the show!  Now if that isn't cute, I don't know what is! #stealingmamasthunder #jealousstagemom

I think the most amazing (read scary, terrifying and I must be off my meds to do this) thing was that I allowed the stylist and Nate to tell the whole freakin' world that I'm a size 14/16.  That's right, I just did it again.  I told the whole world what my dress size is.  And honestly, it's not as scary as I thought it would be. 

Mainly because we talked about why my size is so hard to shop for and I realized I can't possibly be the only woman in the world who's a 14/16 and can't find clothes.  I'm a true 14/16.  I'm not a plus sized woman, my proportions aren't really plus sized.  Yes I have big boobs, and yes I have a wonderful layer of insulation around my mid-riff, but I'm not a plus.  I'm just an XL.

And as it turns out, major department stores only carry one 14 and one 16 in each style of dress in their stores.  Why that is, no one knows.  It probably goes back to everyone's supposed to be a size -4 to fit into the clothes they make for my hangers.  But that's why it's hard to find dresses and outfits for my size.  And it took the stylist 3 days to find my outfit.  I don't have 3 days to shop for anything.  Elly gets a little impatient and I don't even have the patience for that kind of marathon shopping. 

So there you have it.  I'm a sexy size 14/16 mama who broadcasted to the world that you can have fluff and still look hot!  You just need a team of hair and makeup specialists and a personal shopper to pull it all off.  So, I'm going to need each and every one of you to share with your friends this awesome blog, so that I can figure out a way to make a living just writing about my life and maybe sharing tips on how to cook, sew, craft and make sure you don't accidently step on your kid so I can have my personal dream team.  Someday this will all pay off.....

New York City

Well, the bags are packed and the business cards are printed off.  I'm ready for NYC! 

We need to wake up at O'Dark thirty, so I really should be in bed right this second.  But I'm just too darn excited!!! 

I can't wait to see the city.  I've never been, so this will be such an awesome experience just for that alone!  I can't wait to see what they do for Stoofy, and I really can't wait to see what they put me in.  I'm nervous and excited but really I'm just happy to have this opportunity.

I'm worried about messing up Elly's schedule, but I also couldn't care less because who knows when I'll be able to bring her back!  I'll take lots of pictures and post a few here. 

I'm also really excited to meet Nate and his whole crew that have been helping to plan and organize this trip for us.  They're really a great bunch of people and it should be lots of fun meeting them.

Time to hit the sheets.  I'll probably want to kill myself in just a few hours when it's time to wake up.  Just remind me that I'm getting pampered for a couple days in NYC!  That should knock the sleepy right out of me!

Betty Factoids

1) I don't like gum.  In fact, I downright hate it.  Everything about it grosses me out.  So do me a favor and keep your disgusting wad of germs away from me.  I don't even like mints.  Just keep all spearmint products away from me. 

2) Small talk is pretty annoying.  Especially in the bathroom.  I don't want to talk about the weather, traffic or my shoes in the bathroom.  In fact, I don't want to talk at all in there.  I want to get it, get what I went in there to get done done and leave.  Don't get me wrong, I like to BS with people, just not in the bathroom!

3) My favorite number is 13.  It stems back to when I was in a special program with the Girl Scouts.  We all were assigned a number for roll call and uniform identification purposes (funny how well that set me up for the military!).  My number was lucky 13 for 7 years and it just stuck. 

4) I'm terrible at spelling.  There are certain words that I just can't spell right no matter how hard I try.  In fact, I've tried them so many times that my autocorrect has given up on me and just misspells them wrong for me automatically.  I usually spell check my facebook statuses before posting them, because I don't want to look like a dumbass for spelling something wrong. 

5) My worst misspelled offenders are: separate, necessary, guard, guarantee, and Massachusetts. (Actually, when I plugged this blog into Word to do a double check on my spelling, I misspelled every single one of those words again! Man I suck!)  I never made it very far in the school spelling bees.  I usually got eliminated within the first round of classroom preliminaries.  How I got a job in journalism, I have no idea.

6) I feel I'm a pretty good judge of character.  And if I meet you and don't get a good feeling about you, you automatically end up on my shit list.  It's hard to work your way off the shit list.  It's happened only a couple of times, but usually when you go on that list, it's for a good reason.

7) I was a cheerleader for about 6 minutes in middle school and I've never been in any kind of drama club or performing arts classes.  I probably should have been, but who knows what kind of trouble that would have led me into! :-)

8) I truly would love to make a living off of writing about my crazy life.  I have no idea exactly how to do that yet, but how wonderful would it be to just get paid for living?  Sounds amazing!

9) Until I figure that out, Stoofy and I regularly play the lotto.  We don't spend a lot on it, just a few bucks a week.  But we started because as my mom said, "You can't keep saying 'when I win the lottery I'm going to...' if you don't play the lottery!"  And my mom was right about applying for the makeover, so I guess I should play a little each week!

10) I talk a lot to myself in my car when I drive.  I talk about a lot of random things.  And I used to feel weird about it, because I didn't want people to think I was super weird talking to myself driving down the road, but nowadays with blue tooth, no one really knows if you're talking to yourself or talking to someone through your car speakers.  So I don't look so retarded now!

11) While most people are afraid of heights, spiders, snakes, loneliness, I'm afraid of tall, wet grass.  Creeps me out and I don't like the feel of it.  I think it goes back to my days being stationed in Cuba.  Running on the trails through the tall grasses in the early morning so there's still dew on them, is gross.  You never knew what kind of critter would crawl out of that stuff and eat your leg.

12) I like even numbers rather than odd numbers.  And I really can't stand to leave something hanging on an odd number.  And when telling time, if it's 11:37 I round to the nearest multiple of 5.  If you asked me what time it was and my clock said 11:37, I'd say it was 11:40.  It's just how I am.

13) I enjoy watching a lot of sports, but I do have a line.  I don't like basketball, you only need to watch the last 5 minutes of the game to get the gist, soccer is excruciating because you could watch the whole thing and there's still no winner, and golf is worse than watching paint dry. 

14) Talking on the phone annoys me usually.  Nine times out of 10, I don't like it.  I'd rather have written communication... even if that means a text.  Or even better yet, I'd rather talk to you in person.

15) I hope one day my daughter can read all of these things and not think her mom is a complete crackpot.  And even if she does think I am, I hope I've made enough money off of it to shut her up and tell her to do whatever she dreams of doing, even if everyone thinks she's crazy.  Because that's what life's all about! 

I'll be on TV!

So I feel like every time I try to sit down and write something I get distracted by something shiny.  This week it's been hearing from the producers of the Nate Berkus show.  Who's Nate Berkus?  (Check the link to the left for full details) He's an interior designer who got hooked up with Oprah and ended up getting his own daytime TV show.  And I'm going to be on his show next week (well, the show tapes next week, I have no clue when the actual show will air) to get a makeover!

How in the hell did I get called for a makeover?  Well I won them over with my charm of course!

It all started with my mom being on semi-permanent vacation and not having enough to do but watch daytime TV.  She liked him on Oprah so she checked out his new show that kicked off in September with all the other new fall shows.  She then promptly texted me to tell me to apply for a makeover.

If you have read this blog, you'll know that I got out of the Navy back in November (about 6 weeks ago actually).  And I've realized since getting out (and leading up to getting out), that I suck at being a girl.  I am so used to wearing my hair pulled back all the time, not worrying about what clothes I need to wear for the day because it's the same thing every day (thank you uniform), or even having earrings to wear when I'm not in uniform.  Needless to say, I REALLY NEED A MAKEOVER!!!

So I did what my mother told me to do, and I applied.  It's a really good thing I listened to her, because last week I got a couple calls and emails from one of the show producers!  They wanted to know more about me!

Well after finding out that I'm not only fashion challenged after being militarily reformed for seven years, but that I'm also pretty darn funny they decided to move forward... to the next interview.

And the next interview was actually with Stoofy!!!!  They asked him a ton of questions about me and then they realized that he's a vet too.  And they started asking us both questions about BOTH OF US.

As it turns out, Stoofy and I are a pretty funny couple (when we're not screaming obscenities at each other.)  So it wasn't too big of a surprise this morning when I got the official call that the show is booking our travel arrangements!

So Stoofy, Elly and I are headed to NYC next week for the very first time ever to get a makeover!  (Even Stoofy is getting a makeover!  No more Carhart pants!)  I don't know whether to pluck my eyebrow (yes, eyebrow as in singular as there is only one, I just disguise it by plucking halfway between my eyes) or remove the chipped nail polish from my gnarly toes or just leave it all for them to deal with.

I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen either!  I know we're both getting makeovers, but I don't know what that entails.  I don't know if I'm getting 1-2 outfits, or if I'm coming home with a suitcase full of new things. 

All I know is I'm boarding a plane in a week with my husband and daughter looking ho-hum, and I'll be returning as a superstar!!!  (and hopefully with some makeup and clothing tips so I can recreate this when I get home!)

Wish me luck, and I'll let you know when to watch.  You never know!  My mom could be right, and this could be the next big step for Betty!!!