I HATE RUNNING

I don't think the title of this blog does my feelings justice.  I truly fucking hate running.  I would do just about anything else.  Actually there is only one thing I'd rather do less than run, and that would be go to work at my current military job. 

So if you're keeping tabs, here's how it goes from LEASET to GREATEST things I'd rather do with my time:
10) Report for military duty
9) Run
8) Get my legs cut off by a dull butter knife
7) Lose an eye to a red-hot pitchfork
6) Have each and every fingernail pulled out one-by-one by a Viet Cong prison camp dictator
5) Drink my husband's weight in melted butter
4) Drink my weight in milk
3) Eat salads five days a week
2) Eat oreos for every meal
And ultimately, 1) I'd much rather just wake up and magically be skinny.

But needless to say, if I'm ever going to get my perky ass back without having a baby in the next few months, running is my best option.

Why am I running?  I actually would really like to join a roller derby team.  But to do that, I actually need to be in some kind of shape other than round.  And I'm not nearly ready for wheels yet.  So I'm trying to set some attainable goals to get to the derby queen goal.  First up... run even just a little, then run a 5k in December (granted, it's a Hot Chocolate 5K.  So after I complete it I get a hunk of chocolate.  Good enough motivation for me!)  Prove to Stoofy (and myself, honestly) that I can set these goals and achieve them, buy a pair of skates and find a Fresh Meat club and get skating!!!

So, I've put on my big girl pants (literally) and my running shoes and got my ass moving.  Here's what I've learned in the last few nights of running:
1) It's fucking dark running at night.  You'd think that running on base would provide some better lighting, but you'd be wrong.
2) Frogs or toads or whatever the fuck is hoping alongside me on the sidewalk are gross and scary and need to stop following me.
3) I run as fast as my 79 year old grandmother mall-walks.
4) I am a little bitch when it comes to running.  And I run with a constant monologue of bitching, that and the sweet motivational tunes of Ke$ha.
5) Running past the wounded warrior transition barracks makes me feel guilty about being a little bitch, so I suck it up and run faster.
6) Constantly going through the list of things I'd rather do than run helps take my mind off of the running.
7) I hate the assholes I see with 26.2 stickers on their cars.
8) I'd really like to slash their tires.
9) But if I did that, then I'd have to stop running and then I'd never keep going.
10) Lucky for those assholes!

 So if you see a crazy ass woman "running" down the road in the dark with her glow-in-the-dark safety belt, talking to herself, yell something motivational.  But if you've got a "I <3 runners" sticker on your car, I'll probably flip you the bird because I fucking hate running.


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