Pumkin Pie and Jail Time

Fall is by far my favorite time of year.  I love the cooler weather, the clothes, the sights and sounds, and most importantly I LOVE the food.  Fall food means the best of the best: squash, pumpkin anything, apple pies, and the big kahuna: THANKSGIVING DINNER! It's like a fat kid's delight! 

And this time of year brings back a very strong memory for me.  It's something that I did about this time last year.  I'd like to say it wasn't me, but then it wouldn't make for a very funny blog.  It's a little something involving pumpkin pie, my hormonal rage, and me... nearly beating a woman up and a punk-ass teenager. 

About this time last year I was about 4 months pregnant.  I had cravings, but my cravings consisted of people who had food needed to leave my smelling radius because everything made me want to puke.  I was sick nearly every day until about the 6 month mark.  So the fact that one night I even got an actual craving that wouldn't pass after the thought of it made me dry-heave was a little extraordinary!

It was after 10pm and Abby had just left to go back to her place.  Stoofy was in Kuwait in the midst of his contract out there.  So I was on my own and I needed pumpkin pie.  And I mean NEEDED it!

So I climbed into bed thinking, I can let this pass.  If I fall asleep, I won't want it anymore and I'll be fine.  That lasted all of 5 minutes and then I climbed out of bed, put on something decent to go out in and hopped into my car.  I was on the hunt for fresh baked pumpkin pie.

I knew that being the end of September meant there would be pumpkin pie available. (It’s fall time for God’s sake!) I knew exactly what store would have it too.  Harris Teeter.  Because I had been there the day before and saw the pies lined up for display at the front of the store. 

At 10:10PM I arrive at HT and walk through the door.  I can't wait to get to the pies all sitting there waiting for me to snatch up and eat on the car ride home.  Except when I got there, they were out of pumpkin pies.  They had sweet potato pie, but everyone knows that's totally different.  Even if you smear it with whipped cream, I knew I would be able to tell the difference.

So I scoured the rest of the store.  I went through every pie in the bakery section.  Checked behind random loaves of bread just in case some jerk tried to hide one for themselves until they got off shift.  I'd show that asshole!  But alas, there was no pie.  I checked the freezer section thinking, ok I'll just find myself a Sarah Lee and pop it in the oven.  That bitch creates pies that take an HOUR to bake! Uh, I needed my pie fix immediately!

What's a hormonal pregnant woman to do?  Search the store and buy cinnamon rolls for breakfast the next morning, juice and lemon poppy seed muffins because they've got the best ones.  And that'll hold me over until I get to the next store.  I did pass the baking section and thought, damn, it'll take too long to bake my own pie.  I'll just go to Giant and get a pie there.

As I check out, the cashier asks if I found everything ok.  Uh no, you do you have any pumpkin pies left in the back? I'm seriously craving them and I want one. 

And the pimple-faced douche bag bagger turns to me and says, "I bought the last ones about an hour ago.  (ha ha) If you want a slice I'll sell you one in an hour when I go on my break. (HAHAHAHA)."

To which I respond, "Listen here you fucking asshole, I'm pregnant and I want a fucking pie now.  Don't be a prick and tease me."

I quickly paid and left the store before the manager, who was headed my way, could escort me out. 

Now I'm just pissed! I want a fucking pie and if I could figure out which car was that kid's I'd consider breaking in for a slice.  Then I decide going to jail tonight wasn't going to be the best decision... so on to the next store.

10:35PM- I arrive at Giant and make a beeline to the bakery section.  I leave no slice of pie unturned in my quest for pumpkin.  They've got cherry, apple, sweet potato, pretty much everything but pumpkin.  And nothing is going to do until I get a slice of pumpkin.  So I start sprinting (as fast as a pregnant woman can go) to the freezer section hoping I can find a pie that doesn't take an hour to bake.  But as I get to the freezer section I start to search people's carts as I pass them, hoping to find my pot of gold.

Low and behold, I do!  There is a woman with a pumpkin pie in her cart.  So I rush up to her in a panicked frenzy and ask her (in my mind it was with good, friendly intentions.  It came across as scary and abrasive) if I can have her pumpkin pie.  She says no.

I explain to her I am pregnant and I really NEED that pie.

She says no.

I dig in my purse, pull out a $20 and start shouting I'LL GIVE YOU $20 IF YOU GIVE ME THAT PIE! I'M FUCKING PREGNANT AND I NEED THAT FUCKING PIE!

She starts to walk away scared.  I take a few steps after her yelling... it did me no good.

Back to the freezer section.  And yes, they do have pies that take only 25 minutes to bake... but they’re all out.  I'm nearly in tears and I want to scream at the top of my lungs (which I already had at the woman with the pie). 

I storm back out of the store feeling defeated.  But across the street I see the hazing red light of a bulls eye sign.  FUCK YEAH! Target is open until 11PM tonight!  And it's only 10:50!!!!  I zip across the street and throw it into park.

I don't think I've ever hustled as fast as I did to get into the store.

I run to the freezer section and find a pumpkin pie, and it only takes 25 minutes to bake!  FINALLY, VICTORY IS MINE!!!  But it's a bittersweet victory.  Because deep down I know it's not going to be a great pie.  I know that with the time it took to track down this pie, I could have baked one in my house already and be sitting in my bed with a warm slice topped with crumb topping like I like and a dollop of whip cream on top.  But I don't fucking care.  I just want the pie.

So I purchase the pie (and vanilla ice cream… ala mode, DUH!), speed home and throw that sucker into the oven.  25 minutes later (plus the time it took to preheat the oven and the time it took to cool and set), I dish up my pie slice and dig in.  Only to find that it sucks just as much as I knew it would.

I go to bed even more pissed and in tears that I didn't have good pie, that I nearly accosted a woman and teenage kid.  And I'm even more pissed that I didn't just buy the ingredients and make my own pie.  Because now that it’s nearly midnight, going back to the store to buy the ingredients and bake another pie is just flat out CRAZY!!!!

Lesson learned: when you have a craving, it's just easier to make it yourself.  And it's less likely to get you arrested. 

Being an Adult Rocks!

Yesterday afternoon I discovered that being an adult rocks.  While driving home from Best Buy, I got a text message from my BFF, Abby.  Turns out she's one car behind me on her way home too! YAY!

So we discuss the fact we're both in the High Occupancy Vehicle lane with only one passenger in each car and we cook up what our excuse will be when we get pulled over for breaking the law.  Let's just say her excuse was way better than mine and I'll be using that one now as well. 

Then she confesses this random gem to me: "So I just ate a quarter pound of deli meat straight out of the bag."

Mind you we're driving down the road while she declares this fact.  My response? Convulsing in laughter because I can honestly picture her reaching back into her grocery bag, pulling out the deli meat package, ripping it open like a ravenous beast and tearing into the tasty goodness that is smoked peppercorn turkey.

Our conversation goes a little something like this:
A: "I have so little will power!"

B: "Don't worry, I'm not judging you! I'm actually a little jealous I don't have deli meat to eat right now."

A: "I could pull up alongside of you and try and toss it in your window."

B: "Could you actually imagine us trying to pull that stunt? It would be hilarious! It's cool if it gets on the windshield, I'll still eat it and I think I could still get to it depending on where it lands."

A: "MMMM, windshield meat."

B: "And don't worry about the bugs, it's just extra protein!"

A: "I'm not going to be able to do this when I have kids.  I'll have to set an example!"

And that's when I remembered something my mom told me the night before.

My mom got a new iPhone and we were discussing games for her to download on it.  She was interested in getting Angry Birds and I told her she needed to be careful, because once she starts playing it, people will think she has turrets and it's incredibly addicting.  I asked her if she remembers when Tetris came out and how addicting it was.  And how you just had to keep playing because you know you can get to the next level.  That's what Angry Birds was like, but with more swearing.

My memory of Tetris and when Nintendo first came out was that she didn't want my sister and me playing too much.  Video games were junk and we didn't need to rot our brains on them. 

And then she spilled this dirty little secret.  She used to rush home on her lunch breaks when we were in school so she could play the Nintendo!  She would take her hour lunch, spend a half hour driving back and forth, and the other half hour playing Mario Brothers.  Then when she got back to work, she'd compare notes with her co-workers so they could get to the next level.

My mom is a closet GAMER! Are you kidding me? That's why she didn't want us playing, she was too busy secretly playing. 

And then it dawned on me.  Abby and I weren't going to have to stop our dirty little secret of eating deli meat straight out of the bag on the car ride home from the grocery store once our kids are in the car.  We just had to do it when they weren't looking!

So not only can you eat cookies for breakfast and ice cream for dinner, but you can also be a huge hypocrite to your kids and they don't even need to know about it until 20 years later!  That's why being an adult totally rocks!!!!