Mama Gets a New Look

This week was quite the adventure!!!  Stoofy, Elly and I all had a blast in NYC.  As soon as we got there I hit the ground running and went straight to the hair salon for a brand new 'do.  Since getting out of the Navy, I chopped my hair off.  I just couldn't stand it anymore and I was tired of being Elly's makeshift pull toy.  But this new cut really makes me look cute.  I went from a really nice, edgy cut to a super cute bob that fits my face perfectly.  It doesn't hide my face fat, but it does a nice job of camouflaging it. 

Speaking of camouflage... Stoofy did a great job of adjusting to no camo.  But that doesn't mean he didn't make a few jokes about it to the makeover stylist!  He and I spent most of our time separated until the big makeover reveal so that we'd be surprised with what each other was wearing.  So apparently when he was getting his new outfit, he gave the women a handy fashion tip they even used on the show- if you want to hide all your fatty trouble spots, just wear camo!!!  So there's your Stoofy fashion tip!

Now, we didn't get a whole new wardrobe or anything like that, but we did get a nice outfit, plus a free trip to NYC, and a nice lunch out on the town.  So all in all, a damn good two-day trip!

My dress was a sexy little red and fuchsia number.  I NEVER would have picked something like that out for myself.  One, it was super form-fitting, so I tend to keep my fat ass away from that kind of thing.  Not to mention the colors looked like they wouldn't work together.  But after two pairs of spankx and the help of a giant shoe horn, I was able to stuff slip right into that beauty.  And wouldn't you know it, I looked awesome.  Because it was fitted, it gave my fat rolls a beautiful hourglass shape, the colors popped as vibrant as my personality and it was a gift from the Nate Berkus show.  Who wouldn't love that?!?!?! 

We didn't get to spend more than the 10 minute taped segment with Nate.  Which is a bummer, but his whole production staff were great!!!  They're just the nicest people ever and Elly just loved them all.  In fact, they all loved her too.  (I’m pretty sure most of them offered to kidnap her and keep her as the show’s mascot.  I doubt that’s legal.)  And she actually spent more time with Nate than we did!!!  He even gave her a shout out about how cute he thought she was and how the whole staff wanted to keep her during the show!  Now if that isn't cute, I don't know what is! #stealingmamasthunder #jealousstagemom

I think the most amazing (read scary, terrifying and I must be off my meds to do this) thing was that I allowed the stylist and Nate to tell the whole freakin' world that I'm a size 14/16.  That's right, I just did it again.  I told the whole world what my dress size is.  And honestly, it's not as scary as I thought it would be. 

Mainly because we talked about why my size is so hard to shop for and I realized I can't possibly be the only woman in the world who's a 14/16 and can't find clothes.  I'm a true 14/16.  I'm not a plus sized woman, my proportions aren't really plus sized.  Yes I have big boobs, and yes I have a wonderful layer of insulation around my mid-riff, but I'm not a plus.  I'm just an XL.

And as it turns out, major department stores only carry one 14 and one 16 in each style of dress in their stores.  Why that is, no one knows.  It probably goes back to everyone's supposed to be a size -4 to fit into the clothes they make for my hangers.  But that's why it's hard to find dresses and outfits for my size.  And it took the stylist 3 days to find my outfit.  I don't have 3 days to shop for anything.  Elly gets a little impatient and I don't even have the patience for that kind of marathon shopping. 

So there you have it.  I'm a sexy size 14/16 mama who broadcasted to the world that you can have fluff and still look hot!  You just need a team of hair and makeup specialists and a personal shopper to pull it all off.  So, I'm going to need each and every one of you to share with your friends this awesome blog, so that I can figure out a way to make a living just writing about my life and maybe sharing tips on how to cook, sew, craft and make sure you don't accidently step on your kid so I can have my personal dream team.  Someday this will all pay off.....

World of Wild Crafters

You know World of Warcraft? (Yeah, I don’t either. I've heard about it, but I really have no idea what it is...) Well, if you don't know about WoW, I'm almost sure you probably don't know about the WoWC!

WoWC is the World of Wild Crafters.  I know, you're thinking, how crazy could crafters be?  Other than the occasional hot glue gun accident or needle incident, there can't be too much to it, right?  WRONG!!!  The crafting world is filled with enough characters to write a spinoff of Harry Potter or Melrose Place (the original one). 

You've got your scrappbookers (they're a bunch of cutters), your cake and candy makers (they're usually my favorite because I never turn down food), floral arrangement ladies (I'm pretty sure they're all born in the spring and named April), wood workers (their slogan is "We do it against the grain"), painters and photographers (that's like a Hatfield and McCoy feud.  And the framers are stuck in the middle). 

There's the jewelry makers (who are easily distracted by all their shiny things) and the needle point girls (don't piss them off  unless you want a needle to the eye).  And don't forget the quilters out there.  (They are usually found in gangs they like to call guilds and they're like the Masons of Crafting.  Once you've made a rambling rose quilt with appliqué you reach the 33rd Degree and get a special ring.)

And then you have the knitters and crotcheter.  They're a tough crowd.  And you're usually one or the other.  No bi-craftials allowed!  (I don't consider myself bi-craftial.  Instead, I consider myself an ambassador between the two sides since I do both.) I know, I know.  You're thinking "Betty, I think you've finally cracked."  But honestly, this is serious business! 

You see, being a military spouse means you move around a lot just like your servicemember.  It's usually really hard to keep bouncing from job to job.  Not to mention the cost of day care is pretty much absurd.  So many wives find ways to keep themselves busy, and market their hobby as a means of extra income.  Shit, I'd do the same damn thing if I could.  I totally want to make money off of what I love to do, and was going to do anyway! (Isn't there a saying about if you're doing what you love then it's not really called work?)

Well, in the WoWC on a military base, you end up having many people that do very similar things.  It's inevitable.  It's not like there's one knitter or only one baker in the world.  I mean, we do live in America.  In case you didn't get the news flash, we support capitalism here (unless you're busy occupying Wall Street).

Turns out, when there's a little competition, some just can't handle it.  It's gotten so serious lately, people are starting to de-friend others!  I mean wow!  This is EXTREME!!!!  Whoever said crafters are a bunch of boring old ladies has no idea what they're talking about.  This shit is the makings of the next hit reality show!

And apparently the wives are involving the husbands as well.  When I told Stoofy about this, he scoffed. 

S: "You women find the most ridiculous things to bitch about.  You wanna know what those guys are saying? 'Dude, did your wife bitch at you when you got home? Yeah.  Me too.  Over crocheting? Yeah! FUCKING IDIOTS!'" 

When I explained this is serious business and there's now competition, he replied:

S: "Everybody's got somebody else!  McDonald's has Burger King.  PF Changs has Panda Express.  Everyone has competition.  Get over it!" (This is where I realized we’re both fat kids because we’re using food chains as an analogy.)

Me? Well everyone's got a blog in this world.  I just have to figure out what my gimmick is to keep hooking readers.  (Hahaha!  I said hooking! I'm now a pimp! You’re all my bitches!) Maybe if I can't hack it as a blogger I'll keep working on the script for my new pilot show Crochet Drama: Secrets of the WoWC.  Maybe Snooki would be available for the lead role?