Lasting impression

There's no doubt I'm leaving a lasting impression on my kid.  Isn't that the whole point as a parent?  To teach your kid important things so they grow up to be self-sufficient, well-rounded, and overall good citizens.  Even if you suck as a parent, you’re leaving a lasting impression.  If you give your child up for adoption, that's still leaving him/her with a lasting impression.  You leave an impression even if you're never around.  It's not a great impression, but nonetheless, it's an impression that'll last with a person forever.

Every day I worry about what kind of things I'm teaching Elly and what life skills she's learning.  This morning, for example, I taught her that that when mumma is trying to get dressed in the morning and you don't want to keep sleeping, you can entertain yourself with a cupboard full of pads, tampons and toilet paper.

What can I say?  They're soft, colorful toys that kept her busy long enough for me to get dressed uninterrupted this morning.  (Mom fail.)

On the other hand, we've been teaching her sign language and trying hard to get her to talk.  Don't get me wrong, she talks, I just don't speak babble all that well.  I prefer English.  Again, I'm trying to teach her to assimilate!  She's picked up a couple more signs and knows when to tell us she wants to eat.  Which is every moment of the day. (Fatty!)

She knows the word up and I swear she was saying it as she climbed up the stairs.  Every step she climbed I said “up,” she said “yup.”  She knows the word no and doesn't say it yet (thank god).  But she knows what it means.  Which is good, because I'm pretty sure 90% of kids today don't hear that nearly enough.  Their impression of 'no' is to keep asking for it until you hear ‘yes.’  Basically they've learned the "wear them down" method.

So yes.  I'm leaving quite a few lasting impressions on her.  But the one that makes me cry every time I see it is the one I never intended. 

A couple weeks ago, she and I were playing/lounging on the couch.  She likes to run around on it like it's her personal obstacle course.  Well, she was about to slip and fall off of it.  So what do I do? Instantly grab her to brace her from the fall of course.  That's what good mothers do- save their kids from peril. 

But what did I really do? Instead, I gouged the crap out of her little arm with my extra long finger nail. (I clipped them down that night!)  I drew blood, she sobbed.  I cried harder and louder.  And once the blood and her tears stopped, my guilt started to bubble over.

Every day since then, I look at her little arm and want to cry. (I’m tearing up right now.)  There's still a small scar on her arm.  I want to try every scar cream and potion on the market to erase it.  I don’t want her to have something so lasting on her perfect little skin so soon in life.  I know she’ll fall down plenty in her life.  And I’ll be there to pick her up, but it’s too soon for her to feel that kind of pain.

Every time I look at it, I feel the guilt of not being fast enough to catch her.  Instead of saving her, I hurt her.  I pray it keeps fading.  I pray that the scar eventually goes away and doesn't stay with her forever.  Hurting her is not a lasting impression I'd like to make.